The Montreal Canadiens must be hobbits no more
It's time we stop denying that the Montreal Canadiens are comically minute in stature, and take action.
As the smallest team in the league (avg weight: 132 lbs, avg height: 5'1"), Marc Bergevin needs to immediately address the glaring size problems Habs fans have had to endure ever since the great Pierre Dagenais was waived.
Easier said than done, they said. Decent players with size don't grow on trees, they said. If a team has a player of that mold, they will definitely hang onto them, they said.
Below I will lay down a simple and realistic plan for the Habs to finally emerge from the depths of The Shire.
First off, we need to eliminate the dead weight. Anyone under 6'1 has to go. Operation MOAR BIGGER begins!
David Desharnais and Brian Gionta can be easily traded to New York Rangers for the colossus known as Brian Boyle, and the behemoth Taylor Pyatt. Montreal instantly gains almost 2 feet in height.
Two of our smaller forwards, Brendan Gallagher and Tomas Plekanec have shown flashes of reasonable hockey, but let's be honest, Montreal cannot win with those dwarfs in the lineup.
We can trade Plekanec and a few of our small, useless prospects; Collberg, Kristo...you know, scrubs, for UFA David Clarkson. (A stick tap to boogoo for the suggestion of trading for a UFA, brilliant, it's never been done!)
Brendan Gallagher might have put together a decent rookie campaign, but again we have to face the harsh reality that is the NHL. It's a giant's league. You won't be seeing a midget like Gallagher win the Art Ross Trophy any time soon, certainly not with clutch and grab hockey on the way back in. The sooner we get rid of him the better.
Send him off to Anaheim for the rights to negotiate with David Steckel. A move that even the late, great Sam Pollock himself would approve. We might have to sweeten the pot and send a 2nd rounder along with Brendan, but sometimes you have to take a risk to reap the desired reward. Good GM's know what they want, and they go for it.
Now that we've permanently fixed the size issue up front, we should definitely take a look at our defensive squad.
We should use our amnesty buy-out on Frankie Bouillon, waive Andrei Markov (so soft!) and trade the overrated P.K. Subban to Florida, for Nolan Yonkman and a 5th round pick.
Yonkman may not have the speed, agility, scoring ability, skill, defensive prowess, endurance, skill, stick handling, positioning or skill that Subban possesses, but he's freaking huge. He's exactly what Montreal needs to clear the crease in front of Carey Price.
Now that we have removed the dead weight, we can concentrate on acquiring players via free agency.
On the top of that list should be phenom Patrick Bordeleau. At 6'6" and willing to fight, Bordeleau would instantly become a fan favourite. Patrick brings to the table the strength of 10 Desharnais', and he even scored a goal this year, so we know he can play.
Bergevin needs to continue focusing on bolstering his forwards. Forward Ryanne Clowe should be offered a rather large contract, as should Toronto bad boy and knee specialist, Colton Orr. Once we acquire these top notch players, we are ready to roll with a roster that even the most hardcore UFC fan would be proud of.
I know some of you may have your doubts, but feast your eyes on this super-sized lineup:
Taylor Pyatt - Brian Boyle - David Clarkson
Ryane Clowe - David Steckel - Colton Orr
Max Pacioretty - Ryan White - Patrick Bordeleau
Travis Moen - Lars Eller - Mike Blunden
extras: Alex Galchenyuk, Rene Bourque
Nolan Yonkman - Jarred Tinordi
Greg Pateryn - Alexei Emelin
Josh Gorges - Tomas Kaberle
extra: Jean-Claude Van Damme
There's no denying it, this is an unbeatable lineup. You may think I am crazy for wanting to deconstruct a team that sky-rocketed from 15th to 2nd in just one year, but I am just being honest. We need size. At all costs.
Besides, how can you not look at that lineup and think "Ça sent la coupe!!" ?
Get it done Bergy!