Your NHL season checklist

You will need:

• 25 panic buttons. Make sure you get a good warranty.
• Ear plugs, in case you ever encounter an Ottawa Senators fan.
• Tin foil hats, if you belong to any fan base. Yes, I said any fan base.
• At least one fantasy hockey team, so you can think about it while your friend drones on about his or her fantasy hockey team.
• To make sure your Dark Mark is functional (Bruins and Leafs fans only).
• A GPS, for hockey road trips.
• A plan to go on hockey road trips, if you don’t have one yet.
• P.K. Subban on your team (oh, sorry, not enough to go around).
• A P.K. Subban jersey, because you all want him on your team, don’t lie.
• Playoff tickets, if you are a Detroit Red Wings fan.
• A Mute button the rest of us can press, if you are a Detroit Red Wings fan.
• A Go Away button the rest of us can press, if you are a Pittsburgh Penguins fan.
• Some new things to complain about, certain members of the hockey media.
• Bubble wrap, if you are Claude Giroux.
• A new team, if you are a Buffalo Sabres fan.
• An opinion on fighting in the NHL, because there aren’t enough of those.
• EOTP’s season previews, if you are a Habs fan.
• EOTP’s Fancy Stat Summer School, if you’re new to stats and need a primer.
• A Nintendo DS or maybe a Sudoku book, if you plan on going to (or from) the Canadian Tire Centre at any point this year.
• Or if you plan to watch any games in Florida, Nashville, Phoenix, or New Jersey.
• Sedatives, if you are a Vancouver Canucks fan.
• Sedatives, if you’ve ever met a Vancouver Canucks fan.
• Some new bad jokes about bad officiating.
• Maybe another 10 panic buttons.
• A goodbye note and maybe some headache medicine for the people you live with. You’ll see them in June.