Welcome to “Mocking The NHL Draft Part Two,” the second installment of our two part series in which we mock the NHL Entry Draft. If you didn’t get that by the title then you should read a book or something. I mean, if you can read at all.I just had to write something here before we get to the fun stuff.
You can find part one right here.
Let’s get to it, post haste!
16. Colin White
Is In A Hockey Themed A Capella Group Called Tennor Glass: 0/5
Calligraphy: 1/5
Using The Plate to Curl His Spaghetti: 0/5
Using A Spoon to Curl His Spaghetti: 5/5
Tongue Twisters: 3/5
Scouting Profile:
Colin placed sixth in the South Eastern Massachusetts Divisional Tap Dance Semi-Finals. Before you feel bad for him the person who won the competition went on to be the South Eastern Massachusetts Regional Semi Final Runner-Up so come on…cut him some slack.
17. Nick Merkley
Liking Peas: 2/5
Saying His Prayers And Eating His Vitamins: 4/5
Enjoying That Feeling You Get When You’re Pulling Up To A Red Light And It Turns Green Right Before You’re About to Brake: 10/5
Having Eight Siblings: 0/5
Laughing: 5/5
Scouting Profile:
He gets a new toothbrush every week because he read an article on a plane about the mouth being the dirtiest place in the body or something he was kind of tired so he’s not really sure but it still bugs him.
18. Evgeni Svechnikov
Knowing every Pokemon: 5/5
Being Photogenic: 3/5
Knowing How They Get The Ship In The Bottle: 0/5
Looking Good In Red: 3.5/5
Vaping: 0/5
Scouting Report:
He’s read Ilya Bryzgalov’s book cover to cover. It changed his life and he bases all of his decisions off of the book’s teachings and gospels. The odd thing is that Ilya Bryzgalov’s book is a two page manuscript written in ketchup on the side of an old box of Apple Jacks.
19. Ilya Samsonov
Knowing Cloud Formations: 2/5
Dribbling A Basketball Between Your Legs: 3/5
Has A Tail: 2/5
Shapes: 5/5
Being An Honourary Graduate Of Tulane University: 0/5
Scouting Report:
When he was a kid he was left in his domicile all by himself for two nights and these terrible plumbers tried to break into his house and murder him but thankfully the plumbers were unable to murder him.
20. Paul Bittner
Watching The Weather Channel: 0/5
Writing Rock Opera Based On A Song Of Ice And Fire: 5/5
Knowing What Phineas And Ferb Is: 3/5
Vibing To Virtual Insanity By Jamiroquai Man That’s A Great Song: 5/5
Eating Shoes: 1/5
Scouting Report:
Paul doesn’t watch TV but goes crazy whenever someone talks about TV because he doesn’t want shows to be spoiled in case he wants to start watching TV one day. He’s a vegetarian. Except for fish and chicken.
21. Denis Gurianov
Question His Own Mortality: 3/5
Hearing Jimmy: 2/5
Owning A Sega Dreamcast: 5/5
Caring About The Whales: 2.5/5
Choosing The Grossest Flavour From Those New Touch Screen Coke Machines: 3.5/5
Scouting Report:
He thinks beards are cool but he doesn’t think he can pull them off. Deep down he hopes his NHL team never makes a long playoff run.
22. Brandon Carlo
Doing That Jumping To The Side and Clicking Your Heels Together Thing: 2/5
Teleportation: 0/5
Relating To Elmo On A Deep Emotional Level: 3/5
Asking His Friends If He Has Anything In His Teeth And The Opening His Mouth Really Wide After Meals: 4/5
Still Having A Myspace Account: 5/5
Scouting Report:
He has a tattoo of a Caterpillar on his left calf because one day he wants to have a butterfly tattoo.
23. Joel Eriksson Ek
Being Handy Around The House: 3/5
REM Sleep: 2.5/5
Making Out: 4/5
Stopping And Smelling The Roses: 3/5
Knowing The Other Guys In U2 That Aren’t Bono Or Edge. 0/5
Scouting Report:
He reads all of the terms and conditions for everything that he downloads and installs. His phone is app-less. His computer is program-less. He has no songs in his itunes library.
24. Oliver Kylington
Laughing Politely Whenever Someone Says KYLLING IT! To Him: 4/5
Herding Cattle: 2/5
Making Igloos In The Winter With All His Pals: 5/5
Being Comfortable With The Amount Of Protection They Give You When You Get An X-Ray: 1/5
Walking His Dog While Checking Twitter On His Phone: 3/5
Scouting Report:
Oliver’s guilty pleasure is picking up trash by the side of the road while wearing an orange jumpsuit. It’s not so much of a guilty pleasure as it was a pleasure for the judge to order him to do it because he was found guilty of Grand Theft Auto. Note: Oliver if you ever read this don’t be mad at me for saying you got arrested and convicted for stealing a car.
25. Thomas Chabot
Knowing Where Georgia The Country Is On A Map: 0/5
Knowing Where Georgia The State Is On A Map: 0/5
Geography: 0/5
Tolerating Nonsense: 4/5
Digging: 5/5
Scouting Report:
Now this is a story all about his his life got flipped-turned upside down and I’d like to take a minute just sit right there I’ll tell you how he became the prince of a town called Saint John. In South Quebec born and raised on the playground that’s where he spent most of his days. Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool and all shootin’ some H Pucks outside of the school. When a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. He got in one little fight and his mom got scared she said You’re movin’ with your billet family in St. John. He whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said SCIVEY and had a moose on the hood! If anything he he could say that this cab was rare but he thought Nah, forget it Yo home to Bel John!” He. Pulled. Up to the house about 7 or 8 and he yelled to the cabbie yo home smell ya later! He looked at his kingdom He was finally there, to sit on his throne as the Prince of Saint John.
26. Brock Boeser
Looking Up To His Uncle Harold: 4/5
Shooting The Shit: 5/5
Sizing People Up: 3/5
Hating Geico Because Of Their Overzealous Advertisements: 5/5
Looking Good While Running: 1/5
Scouting Report:
His name is Brock. That’s pretty bad ass.
27. Gabriel Carlsson
Using Chopsticks: 1/5
Telling Captivating Stories: 2/5
Spoiling His Appetite: 3.5./5
Pogs: 4/5
Keeping His Soft Serve Ice Cream Cone Even And Avoids Drips Onto His Wrist: 0/5
Scouting Report:
He gets movies. Like gets movies. Inception? Donnie Darko? Memento? He gets em all. He knew Tyler Durden was a figment of The Narrator’s imagination like halfway through the movie.
28. Jake Debrusk
Own The Complete Hanson Discography: 5/5
Cereal Box Prize Collection: 3/5
Chugging Milk: 2.5/5
Shopping For Bedsheets: 1/5
Oinking: 7/5
Scouting Report:
Jake knows how to get into the dirty areas in order to be effective and that’s exactly what he did while starring as Mike Rowe in the hit TV sitcom Dirty Jobs. We caught with Jake at the Emmy’s to discuss how he gets into character. “I imagine Mike Rowe as being a real blue collar guy is relatable to everyone with a pick up truck and a jean jacket. That’s my motivation. If a person with a pick up truck and a jean jacket can relate to my character being waist deep is pig mucus then I’ve done my job.”
29. Jeremy Roy
Using Internet Explorer As His Default Browser: 0/5
Likes Boring Human Names For Pets: 4/5
Cooking With A Wok: 0/5
Hates Trees: 5/5
Being Young At Heart: 4/5
Scouting Report:
Jeremy is actually an accomplished inventor. He invented a lot of products that you and I use today such and gravity and oxygen. He downplays his inventions when asked about them but I would encourage you all to approach him and try to get him to talk about it. When he opens up about it is actually quite fascinating.
30. Jansen Harkins
Replacing The Toilet Paper Roll When He Finishes it: 3/5
Having His Cake And Eating It Too: 2/5
Canadian: 5/5
Making You Think “Wow He’s Canadian?”: 5/5
Loves Woody Allen’s Antz: 13/5
Scouting Report:
Jansen (pronounced Trombone) is an accomplished daredevil who actually runs around Hell’s Kitchen at night and beats up thugs.
Well there you have it folks. The conclusion of the most relevant NHL prospect profiles you will read this year. Enjoy the draft!
