“He has an outstanding wrist shot and is a high-energy guy. He competes hard and gets involved.”
“He has a lot of hockey sense and a strong two-way game. He is a strong competitor and brings a solid effort every night. He has high skill and makes the players around him better.”
“He’s a big bodied guy, protects the puck and is solid on his skates. He can see the ice and barrels through everyone. He’s got good hands to go along with that big body.”
These scouting assessments are all taken from the NHL’s Central Scouting Service. Who are they talking about?
Connor McDavid? It sure seems like Connor McDavid has a lot of hockey sense and a strong two-way game.
Could it be Jack Eichel? Eichel is known his high skill and his ability to make players around him better.
What about top prospect Mitch Marner? He sure does have an outstanding wrist shot and is a high energy guy who competes hard and gets involved.
What about the polarizing Lawson Crouse? He’s a big bodied guy who protects the puck and is solid on his skates.
The truth is that it doesn’t matter who these are about. When you’re going to be this broad with scouting assessments and say the same thing about every player in a different way it doesn’t matter who the player in question is.
The point is that while these draft profiles can be useful and provide keen insight on a player’s ability and potential they are pretty interchangeable.
I took the time to do some in depth research on the top thirty prospects from TSN’s Final NHL Draft Rankings to compile relevant and factional fictional prospect profiles. So without further ado here is the most pertinent information on the top thirty talents of this year’s crop of future NHL stars (results may vary) in a two-part series we like to call Mocking The Draft.
Note: All ratings below are based off an extremely comical algorithm that I cannot even begin to describe. All categories are based on overall ability and fortitude.
1. Connor McDavid
Pizza Eating: 2/5
Frolfing: 6/5
Cotton Eye Joe: 5/5
Monopoly Banking: 4/5
Typing: 3/5
Scouting Report:
McDavid has that certain “je ne sais quoi” which translated from French means “Pink Grapefruit.” It is well known that McDavid’s Pink Grapefruit is highly coveted among NHL teams and could be the reason he goes first overall. Along with his exceptional grapefruit McDavid impressed scouts league-wide during interviews when it was revealed that he no longer sleeps with a night light.
2. Jack Eichel
Mario Kart 64: 3/5
Turning Cell Phone To Vibrate Before A Movie Starts: 2/5
Flying: 0/5
Getting Jokes: 4/5
High Fives: 5/5
Scouting Report:
Eichel is widely known for owning the high score for Space Invaders in his BU dorm’s common room which he and his buddies stole from a dive bar that one night where Dukey ralphed after downing 14 Tequila shots in like 4 minutes.
3. Noah Hanifin
Juggling: 1/5
Farmville:4/5
Moonsaults: 2.5/5
Remembering To Put A Coaster Down On His Parent’s Wood Coffee Table When He Visits Home: 5/5
Quoting Family Guy: 1.5/5
Scouting Report:
Hanifin knows all the words to “One Week” by the two-time Billboard Award, seven-time Juno Award and one-time World Music Award winning Barenaked Ladies. He also makes great scrambled eggs.
4. Mitch Marner
Drinking Water: 4/5
Looking Good In A Fedora: 2/5
Remembering Theme Songs from shows from the 90s: 0/5
Watching CSI: Miami Reruns On The A&E Network: 3.5/5
Kicking A Rock For A Long Time While Walking Down The Street: 7/5
Scouting Report:
Mitch Marner’s favourite food is tacos. Tasty tasty tacos.
5. Dylan Strome
Facebook Stalking: 4/5
Speaking Japanese: 0.5/5
Laundry: 3/5
Washing His Hands After Going To The Bathroom: 4.5/5
Owning A Lion: 0/5
Scouting Report:
No your eyes and word association skills don’t deceive you. Dylan does in fact have a well known sibling. Dylan’s older brother Ryan is an Aeronautical Engineer at the world-renowned firm Hunt Guillot & Assosciates. Needless to say Dylan will be…engineering…his way to an NHL rink sooner rather than later.
6. Pavel Zacha
Being Born In The Czech Republic: 5/5
Baking: 2/5
Singing Disney Songs In The Shower: 4/5
Defending His Thesis On The Thermonuclear Properties of Atoms In The Earth’s Core: 8/5
Being Hip: 3.5/5
Scouting Report:
Pavel does not own a remote control helicopter but his cousin does and sometimes he goes over to his house and flies it around. He has seen Jumanji twelve times. Ok fine, fifteen times.
7. Lawson Crouse
Doing The Eric Cartman Voice: 3/5
Raising Your Arms At the Exact Moment When The Isley Brothers Yell Shout!: 2/5
Eating Sausage McMuffins: 4.5/5
Recycling: 5/5
Chopping Onions: 3/5
Scouting Report:
Lawson went to a hockey game when he was five years old with his parents. The experience inspired him pursue his passion of selling popcorn, cotton candy and sodas to massive crowds of people. Unfortunately he failed miserably when an unfortunate mishap with a cotton candy machine burned down seven city blocks. Hockey is his fallback.
8. Ivan Provorov
Remembering Dreams: 2.5/5
Enjoying Water Parks: 1/5
Being A Huge Fan Of Mark Cuban Not Only Because Of Entourage And Shark Tank But Because He’s A Good Business Man: 4/5
Updating His Linkedin Profile: 0/5
Horseshoes and/or Hand Grenades: 4.99999999/5
Scouting Report:
Knock Knock? Who’s there? Ivan. Ivan who? IVANNA SUCK YOUR BLOOOOOOOD!
He hates that joke.
9. Matthew Barzal
Zoos: 5/5
Kind Of Panicking While Your Car Window Closes As You Are Driving Into An Automatic Car-Wash After Your Entered The Code: 3/5
Table Manners: 1/5
Crying During The First Five Minutes Of Up: 7/5
Ice Fishing: 2/5
Triple Stamping A Double Stamp: 0/5
Scouting Report:
Does Matthew really look like a guy with a plan? You know who he is? He’s a dog chasing cars. He wouldn’t know what to do with one if he caught it. You know, he just does things. The scouts have plans, the general managers have plans, Bettman’s got plans. You know, they’re schemers. Schemers trying to control their little worlds. He’s not a schemer. He tries to show the schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So when he says that you and your 1995 Dodge Stratus were nothing personal, you know that he’s telling the truth. It’s the schemers that put you where you are. You were a schemer, you had plans, and look where that got you. He just did what he does best. He took your little plan and he turned it on itself. Look what he did to this city with a few drums of hockey tape and a couple of Tacks. Hm? You know what he noticed? Nobody panics when things go “according to plan.” Even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow he tells the press that he will not play for the team that drafts him, or he’s not committing to college, nobody panics because it’s all “part of the plan.” But when he says that he’s going to the KHL, well then everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. He’s an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos…it’s the Arizona Coyotes.
10. Mikko Rantanen
Thinking Of Ideas For That Lays Chip Flavour Contest: 3/5
Knowing Which Star Is The North Star: 3.5/5
Grilling: 2/5
Looking At Other People Inside Their Cars While Stopped At A Red Light: 5/5
Believing in Ghosts: 1/5
Scouting Report:
Mikko Rantanen is a great thumb wrestler who almost never uses his index finger while yelling “tag team match” in order to fairly but actually unfairly gain an advantage on his opponent. He has a dog named Bucky and two cats named Oscar. Yes both cats have the same name.
11. Zach Werenski
Being The World Record Holder For Tallest Person Alive: 0/5
Shot Put:3/5
Counting to 100: 5/5
Shimmying: 4.5/5
Remembering To Click It Or Ticket: 5/5
Scouting Report:
He can’t even.
12. Timo Meier
Being Zach Werenski: 0/5
Having A Cool Jacket: 5/5
Depth Perception When Sitting High Up At A Sporting Event: 2.5/5
Being That Kid Who Would Punch Way Too Hard When Giving Birthday Beats: 2/5
Jazzercise: 6/5
Scouting Report:
He possesses the uncanny ability to look for love in all the wrong places. He is also a Werewolf but he has it under control.
13. Kyle Connor
Respecting Elders: 5/5
Having Two First Names: 5/5
Eating His Vegetables: 1/5
Being Good At Fractions: 4/3/2/5
Yelling ECHO Whenever There Is An Echo Anywhere: 0/5
Scouting Report:
Member 32887655 of the Two First Names Club and proud of it. Continuously has to tell Connor McDavid to stop applying for membership.
14. Jakub Zboril
Jumping To Conclusions: 2/5
Hoarding: 1/5
Doing the Michael Jackson Lean From Smooth Criminal: 4/5
Etch A Sketching: 5/5
Wrapping Presents: 1.5/5
Scouting Report:
Zboril is a level seventy fire mage who holds the key of hope AND the key of despair. His armour was forged from the iron ore found in the treacherous mountains of oomph-haden. He likes hip-hop.
15. Travis Konecky
Balancing A Broomstick On One Finger: 3/5
Being Ready For This Jelly: 0/5
Tango: 2/5
Being In a Bon Jovi Cover Band Called “It’s Our Life”: 5/5
Being Great At Hockey: 50/5
Scouting Report:
Travis moonlights as “El Mastro Del Hiero” in his local Luchadore Circuit. He’s pretty good at it. He is also restoring an 1914 Model T in his spare time. He is allergic to apples and hates phonies.
Tune in tomorrow for the rest of the top thirty!
