“Fly On The Wall” makes a long awaited return to EOTP. Not having been employed since the earlier rumblings of the Lecavalier trade rumours, in this episode ‘Fly’ is sitting in at Georges Laraque‘s home, with his canine Fluffy, his parrot Chirp and his rabbit Hop. Remote in hand, Georges is talking to himself constantly, dealing with a myriad of current issues and about ready to watch the Devils and Canadiens in New Jersey on RDS.
GL: Well boys, (Fluffy, Chirp, Hop) we, I mean they, er the Habs, almost never win in Jersey. How they gonna manage it without me, huh?’
Phone rings: “Hello, this is the Relief for Haiti foundation, we were wondering if you would be interested…..”
GL: “I’m sorry, this Georges Laraque, you know me, huh?”
Solicitor: “Yes, we are calling alphabetically.”
GL: “No, I mean, this Georges Laraque, you know, of the Canadiens. Well I used to play for the Canadiens, like yesterday, and…..”
Solicitor: ” Right. Would you be interested in…..”
GL: “Do you know who I am?”
Solicitor: “You’re Georges Laraque. You just told me yourself, and your name is beside your number on this calling list.”
Long pause from GL.
Solicitor: “We were wondering, about Haiti, and if you would be interested….”
GL: “Ecoute, I already gave, mon. Gave at the office, okay. Now leave me alone!”
GL slams down phone, grabs remote, turns on RDS pre-game.
Andre Roy, translated on RDS: “The Canadiens are easy meat without Laraque. Like, if I’m playing ’em, who’s gonna fight me – Travis Moen? Without Georges, it’s party time. No ones gonna bother me all night.”
GL: “That a boy Andre, you tell ’em. I still can’t believe Gainey said I was an unproductive distraction. Like, what did I ever do?”
RDS shows a Top 10 coach / media scuffles
GL: “Ah that Tortorella clip again. Man is he pissed! Hey, I could play for Rangers! They need a guy like me with ‘Brash’ out. Maybe I’ll get a call.”
Chirp: “Unproductive distraction, unproductive distraction.”
GL: “Oh shut the fuck up, dumb bird!”
RDS pre-game continues
GL: “Yeah, looka those stats, mon. I got more goals in the last 20 game than the two Max’s, Metro, Dags, Mara. C’mon!”
Georges take a seat on the couch as the puck is dropped and the Habs’ lineup for the game is spread across the screen.
GL: “Sure! Dress Darche! Like that minor leaguer is gonna make a difference in my place.”
GL: “D’ Agostini’s gonna fight too, I bet? Gimme a break.”
GL: “Ha, go Devils go. Kick some butt! Hahaha! Parise, that was close!”
GL: “Fluffy, fetch my slippers, boy!”
GL: “Ah, cheap call on Metro, ref! He didn’t grab the stick, mon, he just swiped at it.”
GL: “Go Parise, shoot! Go five hole.”
GL: “Yes! Alriiiiiiiiiight Devils! 1-0”
GL: “I can see the headlines after this shitkicking. ‘Habs Hit Laraque Bottom!’ Hahaha!”
GL: “Wait, oh, that’s a replay from last game, Chirp, Fluffy, wasn’t it? Oh, okay. It’s real. Good!”
GL: “I smell a rout. Man they miss me!”
GL: ”Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin’ like a fool with yo pants on the ground.”
Chirp: “Unproductive distraction, unproductive distraction.”
GL: “Bite me bird!
A few minutes later, Travis Moen is facewashed by the Devils D Bryce Salvador
GL: “Alright! Moen and Salvador gonna go. Take him punk, he’s got nothing! If it weren’t for the code, I’d have minced that fool!”
GL: “Fluffy, it’s commercial. That means tofu time. Come and get it!”
GL: “Hey, the Habs ain’t going pussy. Like, what the…?”
Pouliot scores, makes it 1-1.
GL: “NIce shot Benny, damnit. Looks like Martin’s doing some coaching for a change.”
GL: “Hey, what the fuck’s up with the fourth line?”
GL: “Mon, they miss me. I’m not there and they can’t play the fourth line! Hahaha!”
GL: “Hey, where’s Clarkson? Haven’t seen him. He oughta be killin’ this buncha wimps. Nobody gonna fight now. No heavyweights. Remember the code, boys, remember the code.”
First period is over. Georges calls the Green Panther, a vegetarian restaurant, to order a Kombucha.
Operator: “We’re sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service.”
GL: “Damn, like I ordered there just last week! Where did I put the numbers for Happy Cow and Juicy Lotus?
GL: “Fluffy, eat your tofu, dog. Hop is eating his carrot, you eat your tofu!”
Second period begins
GL: “Mon, I can’t follow your lines Jacques, it’s like it’s Carbonneau revisited! You’re gonna confuse bud, I see it comin’. Who’s da guy wearing 52?”
GL: “Come on Hop, last time you pushed that carrot under the couch I hurt my back getting it. No, that was my groin I pulled, I think. Don’t do that no more!”
Darche scores
GL: “Jeez, who is this guy eh? Now he’s got as many goal as me in two games. Dumbass lucky shit. Don’t have as many assists as me eh, Chirp?”
Chirp: “Unproductive distraction, unproductive distraction.”
GL: “Damn bird, if I had a cat I’d grab ya by those winpy wings of yours and feed ya to him.”
Chirp: “Remember the code, remember the code.”
GL: “That’s it you useless parrot. No more seeds for you. You can eat newspaper and feces for a week, smartass!”
Canadiens are controlling second period, not much offered up to Devils
GL: “Devils are playing possum without Clarkson. Mon, who’s gonna fight who, eh?”
GL: “Hop, whatsa matter, you’re not eating the spinach, now you’re not eating the carrot.”
GL: “Mon, I’ve gots ta eat something. What the heck, haven’t had a good burger steak since freaking forever. Just one. That and a roast beef sandwich. Yeah, burried in gravy. Who’ll know?”
GL: “Shits. All outta bottled water. Hafta drink this Octane crap I guess. Ah, what the fuck, not like I’m playing tomorrow night.”
Phone rings
GL: “Yeah that’s Bob, telling I’m traded to Detroit or Chicago. Maybe Pittsburgh again. I can feel it in my bones, mon!”
Restaurant: “Hello. Just wanted to confirm your order. That was a family sized chicken wing platter, three smoked meat sandwiches, a cold cut platter, one order of filet mignon, a side order of bacon, crispy fries and three diet Cokes?”
GL: “Well um, not, oh, okay, cool, send it over. Great, thanks mon!”
GL: “I don’t get it Fluffy. Nobody is getting bullied or shoved around much. Kinda boring eh!”
GL: “What the heck happened to lines, mon? I don’t recognize nothin’. And no fights, no bull ta clean. Dull, mon, just dull.”
Second period ends with Canadiens up 2-1.
GL: “Jersey’s gonna come out roaring. I feel it Fluffy. How ’bout you Hop? Chirp?”
Chirp: “Unproductive distraction, unproductive distraction.”
GL: “Yeah whaddaya you know, bird without a dick?”
Third period begins just moments before Georges’ order arrives at his door. He opens the platters and…
GL: “Ayoyeyoy, this Octane crap makes ya piss like a fire hydrant.”
While Georges is away having a leak, Fluffy and Hop dig into and chew away at his opened chicken, bacon, filet mignon and smoked meat platters, dragging and scattering them across his living room floor.
GL: “Hey, whoa boys, don’t eat that stuff. We’re vegans, eh? It’ll kill ya ta eat that stuff. Fluffy, back off. Get a grip, dog. Hop, you don’t eat smoked meat. You’re a rabbit for fuck sakes.”
Georges looks up to see D’ Agostini fighting the Devils’ Mark Fraser, and reacts by whomping his dog Fluffy across the skull with his rabbit’s carrot.
Chirp: “Unproductive distraction, unproductive distraction.”
GL: “Bird, that’s it. Monday, I am buying a godamn cat.”
Chirp: “Remember the code, remember the code.”
GL: “I’d take you to a whole other area code, fucker! Soon as my back stops hurtin’, my groin heals up and I drop a few pounds, I’m gonna give ya a yoga lesson you’ll never forget!”
Cammalleri scores for the Canadiens, now up 3-1
GL: “Fluffy, where’s those frickin’ slippers I wanted two hours ago?”
Chirp: “Unproductive distraction, unproductive distraction.”
The Canadiens surprisingly snuff out the Devils in the final half of the third period. Although outshot in the third period, goaltender Jaroslav Halak holds fort. A Habs power play helps set the tone as Montreal shuts down Jersey as the game winds down.
Laraque finds a memo reminding him to set VCR to tape “Hope For Haiti” telethon.
GL: “Mon, gotta call my agent, find out when that telethon is on.”
