Jimmy Vesey has been the hottest topic in hockey for some time. Mostly because there has been exactly nothing to talk about, but also because he’s rather good at hockey. He is now a free agent, and can sign with the suitor of his choosing, of which it appears there are many.
Hahaaaaaa… I know some of you were maybe expecting a list as brilliant as a certain one published by my friend Marc Dumont not so long ago. But you know what they say; brevity is the soul of wit, and I am not witty. I am an opinionated jerk who types more words per minute than he knows what to do with.
That being said, Mr. Vesey, here is my exhaustive list of reasons why you should sign with the legendary Canadiens de Montréal.
- The Canadiens have Carey Price. He is good. Some say he is the best. You want to play in front of the best.
- We also have a few guys plucked from the NCAA who have known some success here. Mike Condon, Charlie Lindgren, and Daniel Carr to name a few. You guys can be buddies and talk about how the Habs are great, and how every other NHL team sucks for not believing in you.
- Have you seen our jerseys? They’re magnificent. They are the Armani of hockey jerseys. Where else do you really want to go, Chicago? New York? TORONTO? Theirs are like random brands you buy at Giant Tiger. Do you even know what Giant Tiger is? Exactly.
- We have Carey Price. The guy who won Olympic gold for Canada after shutting out the United States and Sweden. Consecutively. That guy. You definitely want to be on that guy’s team.
- We have a Stanley Cup winner behind the bench. One of the best communicators in the game. A real strategist. His name is Kirk Muller.
- We have another coach too. He tries really hard.
- We have some other coaches. The guy who does the goalies is super awesome. Doesn’t really affect you, but I digress.
- They say the taxes are really high here, but if you stick around in the summer and see just how much construction is going on, you have to think: “Alright, my money is obviously going to this excellent infrastructure, and that’s okay with me.”
- Like the roads man. Such nice roads here. I swear you have to come see them after you sign.
- We have Carey Price. The guy who won the Vezina, Hart, William Jennings, and Ted Lindsay trophies all in the same year. Trust me, you’re better off with him in your net and not the other team’s.
- Montreal food, man!!! Ever had a poutine and a smoked meat? My treat if you come here. It’s definitely not on your meal plan, but you’ll shoehorn it in there every chance you get once you try it.
- Shawarma too. Oh yeah, we have the best in Canada, and I’ll fight anyone who disagrees. You’ll probably join me once you have some.
- We have Shea Weber, the leadingest leader who has ever led a group of leaders in the history of leads, leading, having led, and blown leads.
- Our other leader, Max Pacioretty, also played in the NCAA. We like NCAA guys here. You’ll fit in.
- The media here will totally embrace you. In absolutely no way will they over-hype you or act like jerks if you don’t come out of the gate flying. They’re really nice and stuff. I swear…
- The cops wear funny pants here. It’s an actual protest thing for them, but for civilians it’s just great. Cops in pink camo pants, man. C’mon, you know you want to see that every day.
- Our AHL team is coming to Laval next year, which is super close. Not that we would ever put you in the minors over #veteranexperience, since we literally never ever do that, but if we did, it’s just a quick and fun little metro ride to Montmorency!
- Carey. Fucking. Price.
There you have it, Mr. Vesey. All those other teams probably hit you up with a bunch of talk about their winning culture, letting you play with superstars who aren’t named Carey Price, and a bunch of other crap that still doesn’t amount to quality poutine, amirite?
But not me. No sir. I just hit you with some hard truth, served on a bed of fresh cut fries, topped with the finest cheese curds and gravy that Quebec has to offer, and delivered this wonderful concoction to you in a chalice shaped exactly like the Stanley Cup, which we have 24 of by the way.
Yeah, you should definitely sign with the Montreal Canadiens.
