Coping with the Lockout - "Watch Another Sport" Part 3 - Golf

One of the refrains I hear constantly from people when I'm complaining about the lockout is "Watch another sport then". This doesn't make any sense at all and I'm going to tell you why, sport by sport.

Let's be honest, golf is a bit of an easy target. It's not even really a sport, it's more of a leisure activity for bored rich people. It's not inherently a bad pastime, mostly because over 18 holes you tend to get drunk with your buddies and make an ass out of yourself, unless of course you're one of those guys who takes themselves too seriously. So why does golf suck? Let me count the ways:

  • Like I said in the opening paragraph, it's much more fun to play golf with a bunch of buddies while drinking. That could be said of most things, but if it isn't treated like a party, you're basically just walking around hitting a ball with a stick every few minutes.
  • Tiger Woods is by far the coolest character in recent golf history. The coolest golfer is wearing a vest in that picture up top. A vest. If the coolest player in your sport wears a vest, you've got a serious image problem.
  • Tiger Woods was also the most dominant golfer in the sport for a long time, and his career was completely derailed by... having too much sex. What? Having too much sex made him suck at golf? That's just ridiculous.
  • Golfers like the smell of their own farts. Want to meet a pretentious person? Hang out with a golfer. They'll spend 6 hours telling you about how the new driver they bought shifts .016 oz of weight to the left and has completely fixed their slice as a result, or they'll tell you how great Myrtle Beach is for the 60172nd time *cough*.
  • Have you ever seen golf on TV? It's 50% watching a guy get ready to swing, 45% a camera wildly trying to find a tiny white ball in the blue and white sky, and 5% fist pumps. Is that seriously something worth televising? Even the highlights are boring.
  • Remember how I was talking about baseball being stupid because you can be fat and be good still? Well in golf you can be fat and old. Basically you could need a motorized scooter to get around, and still be good at golf. Lame.
  • Golf takes forever to play. Most people start to get antsy watching a good movie after 2 and half hours, golf usually takes at least 3, and let's face it, it's not nearly as good as a great flick. If someone said "I want you to do _____ for 3 hours", you would probably groan audibly.
  • Who is the guy who designed the idea of golf anyway? "Let's take this tiny ass ball, fire it 200+ feet around grass, trees, water and sand, and then knock it into this tiny cup imbedded into the ground. Now let's do that same thing 17 more fucking times".
  • Because golf forces you to be out in the sun so long, most dedicated golfers like to start early in the morning. No, not 8AM early, like 6AM. On the weekend. I'm pretty sure doing that consistently classifies you as certifiably insane./

There are tons more reasons why golf is stupid, but I figure this one is so easy to insult you guys and gals can have a go in the comments too.

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