March 24th 2014-Game 73
Opposing team: Boston Asshole-Shithead-Scumbag-Kneeing-Diving-Punishment Immune-Silver Platter-Special Treatments.
Record as of start of week: 49-17-5 for 103 points. Not bad considering they don’t even have a 30 goal scorer on the team. What kind of luck did they run into to get where they are?
Best Player: Sloppy Seconds Jarome Iginla. Seriously this guy LITERALLY blocked a trade to go to this very team last year. You know who does things like that? A-Rod. Boston fans are pretty much cheering for A-Rod.
Starting Goalie: Tuukka Rask whose save percentage is worse than Brian Elliott’s. Not making that up.
Wildcard: Gregory Campbell calling daddy.
Fun fact about the team: Cam Neely is responsible for 27 fist sized holes throughout their arena. Nutjob
Fun fact about the city: The Red Sox are playing so Bruins could lose as far as they’re concerned.
Habs will win if: Jack Edwards murders Milan Lucic for saying that the Habs don’t dive as much as the media makes them out to and they that they’re just like any other team in the NHL.
Habs will lose if: The Bruins do something so inexplicably evil that nobody would ever do it so there technically isn’t an NHL rule for it. Again.
Highlight of the night: Tuukka Rask’s temper tantrum makes him go super sayan.
Predicted tweets of the night:
@Habsfans Thank god Price is healthy again
@Bruinsfans ashasd weofadxw nceprpwdwceemnawoq
@Bruinsfanstranslator duhhhhderrrrrrrdduuuuuuuuuhhhhh
March 25th 2014 – Game 74
Opposing team: Buffalo Sabres
Record as of start of week: 20-43-8 for an NHL worst by a country mile 48 points. If they win their remaining games and every other team loses their remaining games they would finish 13th in the East.
Best Player: Cody Hodgson who actually ended up on the better team after being traded away by Vancouver.
Starting Goalie: Nathan Leiuwen who is another one of those really big so stops pucks goalies.
Wildcard: Anyone if they’re matched up against Douglas Murray
Fun fact about the team: Their 3rd jersey is the only article of clothing that Africa sent back.
Fun fact about the city: Even Toronto didn’t want the Bills.
Habs will win if: I used this last week but it’s still true: They’ll win if they show up.
Habs will lose if: They take the night off because they know they’re playing the worst team in the league.
Highlight of the night: Tyler Ennis crashes the net but Carey Price scoops him up in his blocker.
Predicted tweets of the night:
@Leino’sAgent I am the best agent in NHL history.
@patlafontaine Thank you for the free money
@habsfans hurray another 2 points!
March 27th 2014 – Game 75
Opposing team: Detroit Red Wings
Record as of start of week: 33-24-14 for 80 points. Tied with the Toronto Maple Leafs. This is what you’ve become, Detroit.
Best Player: David Legwand. Leads the Wings in scoring.
Starting Goalie: Jimmy Howard who has a worse GAA and SV% than Jonas Gustavsson.
Wildcard: Daniel Alfredsson. Always a chance he’ll be a positive presence for his team by believing in their abilitieahahahahahahahaha.
Fun fact about the team: They’re only a fringe playoff team at best, no reason for this other than they relied on Lidstrom too much.
Fun fact about the city: There’s nothing fun about Detroit.
Habs will win if: They dress PK Subban. RAMPAAAAAAAAGE
Habs will lose if: David Legwand plays because he’s their leading scorer. David Legwand.
Highlight of the night: PK Subban scored a hat trick and bows in front of Mike Babcock.
Predicted tweets of the night:
@wingsfans waaaa Lidstrom is gone waaaaaa
@habsplayers this is easy for no reason other than we are great at hockey and just better than the wings.
March 29th 2014 – Game 76
Opposing team: Florida Panthers
Record as of start of week: 26-38-8 for 60 points. In their defense Tim Thomas was their goalie for a good chunk of the year and we all know he’s not a real goalie.
Best Player: Alexander Barkov. 18 years old, season cut short while playing for country. Criticized for being “too good”
Starting Goalie: Roberto Luongo who is now smiling in his individual headshot for the first time in 4 years.
Wildcard: Vincent Trocheck. I can’t even say anything bad about this kid. You’ll see Habs fans, you’ll see.
Fun fact about the team: They got the green light to spend to the cap for the first time in their history which seems like a significant oversight by previous ownership groups.
Fun fact about the city: It’s awesome
Habs will win if: Scott Gomez remembers who’s paying him and scores a few goals.
Habs will lose if: Scott Gomez remembers who’s paying him and scores a few goals.
Highlight of the night: Former Panther Mike Weaver’s number is retired.
Predicted tweets of the night:
@dumbhabsfans Joke about there being no Panthers fans
@smarthabsfans damn the Panthers actually have some good youth
@me Told you
