If any of your loved ones are hockey fans, you’ll know that as a group we’ve been going through an emotional roller coaster these days. As if it weren’t bad enough that we aren’t getting to see any NHL hockey, our hopes for a season rise and fall with every development (or lack thereof) in the CBA negotiations. As you can probably tell, we’re a little messed up right now. So you, being the wonderful family member or friend of a hockey fan, naturally want to cheer him or her up this holiday season, and we’re here to tell you how… not to. As we wrote yesterday, your safest bet and best idea is The Best Of Down Goes Brown. But there are also some things you should take care not to buy for a hockey fan this year, in order to avoid ruining their holiday completely. For example:
- A Boston Bruins jersey, obviously, because why would you be that cruel?
- In fact, it’s probably not a good idea to get them any merchandise with an NHL team logo on it, because it might result in uncontrollable sobbing.
- On your part, because of how much you spent on it.
- Any books containing Toronto Maple Leafs jokes, because we’ve all heard them all already, hundreds of times, and there are no original Toronto Maple Leafs jokes left.
- No, I’ve heard that one.
- That one, too.
- No really, stop trying.
- Any of those “For Dummies” guides on other sports, because, really, if we cared about those sports we would be watching those sports right now, not curled up in the fetal position wailing Carey Price’s name over and over again.
- Any of these Bleacher Creatures, because they look like they could come alive in the middle of the night and eat your bones while you’re sleeping.
- Actually, those Sedin ones look decidedly less creepy than the real Sedin twins. Those ones might be a pass/fail thing.
- A vuvuzela for your Winnipeg Jets fan friend, because by the looks of these CBA negotiations, they won’t be able to deafen anyone with obnoxious noise-making until at least next fall.
- An economics textbook for the Coyotes fan in denial. If you’ve already bought one, don’t worry, it’s not a waste. You should send it to the Glendale city council.
- FALSE HOPE ALL THE TIME YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY I’D RATHER GET A LUMP OF COAL WRAPPED IN A LEAFS JERSEY WRAPPED IN A BRUINS JERSEY DELIVERED TO MY DOOR BY ZDENO CHARA IN A SANTA SUIT.
