The End of The World was announced today, as Boston Bruins General Manager Peter Chiarelli held a news conference to declare that the Bruins have acquired defenseman P.K. Subban via offer sheet.
Subban was a restricted free agent with the Montreal Canadiens, but the player and team were unable to negotiate a contract, after weeks of pretending to try. Subban eventually signed Chiarelli’s offer sheet, and the Canadiens declined to match it.
“We decided not to match it because we make all our decisions according to what the callers on the post-game radio shows want,” said Canadiens General Manager Marc Bergevin. “The fans thought he was arrogant and that he wasn’t a team guy, so we decided to let him go win his three consecutive Norris Trophies in Black and Gold.”
“After all, who needs a blueline, really?” he continued. “If Andrei Markov gets injured or retires, we’re completely fucked, and we are totally okay with that, because that’s what some of the fans and media wanted.”
Subban said that this was not the first offer sheet he had received, but the only one he had considered signing.
“Yeah, the Red Wings tried, and the Flyers tried, and pretty much everyone else tried,” he said. “But Boston has my brother in the system, and playing with him would be cool, and also, it’s going to be fun to show Canadiens fans my arrogance and terrible character six times a year plus the playoffs. Also, like, Flyers and Red Wings, lol. I’d like to win a Cup, and this seemed like the only way to do it.”
The Bruins offered Subban a five-year contract worth 30-million dollars, which means that the Canadiens will receive, in compensation, the Bruins’ first, second, and third round picks in the 2013 NHL Entry draft. Those picks will be at the 30th, 60th, and 90th spots, Joe Haggerty guarantees. In addition, they will be complete busts, Habs fan luck guarantees.
None of you are going to read this part before immediately jumping all over me or freaking out, but I’ll try, anyway: a couple of weeks ago, Berkshire and I offered up blog posts for charity donations to this Team In Training run I’m doing. Sarah Connors, blog overlord at Stanley Cup of Chowder, was one of the first people to donate, and this was the topic she chose. Hope she likes it, because it really, really, really hurt. Anyway, this is a charity post, not a news story, so, you know, DON’T JUMP.
I’d like to thank Sarah again for her donation, and her insane amounts of support. I love her.
If you’d like to know more about this blogs-for-donations thing we’re doing, check this. It’s on until the end of May, and some more posts are coming up soon.
