NHL realignment is now officially happening, which means that next season, the Northeast Division will be welcoming three new teams that aren’t from the Northeast of anything. We don’t yet know what the new division names will be, but I’m still pulling for Original Six Plus Who Cares Division for this one. In any case, we at Eyes On The Prize would like to help welcome the Red Wings, the Panthers, and the Lightning. We thought the best way to start was by giving them an official copy of the division rules.
- Please, make yourselves at home, new teams. Only please don’t sit there, please don’t move that, and please don’t leave that there.
- The official anthem of this division is “Suck it, Buffalo.”
- That’s not a real song or anything, just, like, always say it a lot and stuff.
- If you want to be in a division with Montreal, you have to learn French.
- Whenever you don’t beat the Boston Bruins, you get keelhauled.
- Oh, also, they’re like really good, and will be for a long time, basically until their superstar superelite defenseman retires, so, Detroit, you know what that’s about.
- How’s that working out for you, by the way?
- Please do not pat the Ottawa Senators on the head and say, “you’re adorable.” They don’t like it, even though they know it’s true.
- They were lying about that snowbirds excuse. They let us have the Florida teams because now we all have to go to Detroit in addition to Buffalo, which is just too cruel, really.
- Please keep in mind that in this division, there is increased exposure to Patrick Kaleta.
- Please keep in mind that in this division, there is decreased exposure to Patrick Kane.
- The dudebro™ contingent is made up of Tyler Seguin and Brad Marchand instead.
- Attention fans of former Southeast teams: the inferiority complex ain’t cute, and nobody cares. Don’t get defensive, learn to chirp back. The Maple Leafs fans give lessons on wicked burns every Tuesday and Thursday at 8am.
- If you miss those lessons, don’t worry. Those jerks are always schooling the rest of us on trash talk anyway.
- Contrary to rumours, Dion Phaneuf and Zdeno Chara do not want to eat your children. Adorable puppies are more their thing.
- If you covet P.K. Subban, nobody will ever love you and you will die alone.
- Always remember that if you ain’t Original Six, you ain’t shit. Even when it’s not merited or fair, we’re going to look down on you.
- You Detroit fans can hang your tinfoil hats right here, next to the Canadiens fan ones.
- I made up the part about having to learn French. But I wanted to see how many of you would read this far before you interrupted your reading and made a comment about it.
