Canadiens @ Penguins Top Six Minutes: All is as the tank wills it

You can’t stop the tank, any more than you can stop the suns from setting.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

The Montreal Canadiens — a fierce rebellion  — were surprising the entire NHL by defeating one ostensibly superior team after the next. They took their rebellion all the way to the bitter end, proving conclusively that they were a force to be reckoned with in the hockey galaxy.

Though they fell short in their quest, a new hope formed in the city of Montreal. The evil lord Gary Bettman refused to congratulate the team on their recent conquest, and the denizens of Montreal collectively thumbed their noses at him, eagerly awaiting their team’s next conquest.


That was like five months ago, and I wish I had good news about how this movie ends, but they might be the worst Habs team ever. It’s a lot like “The Last Jedi” in that it is an incredibly shitty sequel. Everyone is sad and they’re playing the Pittsburgh Penguins.

First Period

  • Apparently it is Star Wars night in Pittsburgh. Why? Well, honestly I have no idea, but now you know why this TSM is what it is.
  • To sell tickets, this must be. The Habs aren’t exactly a good enough reason on their own to pony up these days.
  • The Habs are outshooting the Penguins. Out-chancing them. I look forward to the Pens scoring first because that just brings balance to the force.
  • Ah, there it is. Atta boy Kapanen, you fffffffffffffffffffffffffI’m supposed to not swear. 1-0 for the flightless birds.
  • Kris Letang got an assist there. 600th career point apparently. Death, taxes, and French Canadian players doing things against the Habs.
  • The Habs have hit like seven posts and still lead the shot count. Either this ends in a blowout for the Penguins or the Habs are turning it around and winning.
  • Only a Sith deals in absolutes. /

Second Period

  • You know what would be amazing? If Carey Price just dropped down from the rafters and landed at centre ice like:/
  • Help us Carey Price, you’re our only hope.
  • Oh, Joel Armia is going to the box.
  • Oh, Alexander Romanov is going to the box. Long, this 5 on 3 will be.
  • “Your lack of faith disturbs me.” - me to myself two minutes ago when I thought the Habs wouldn’t kill those penalties.
  • Oh, Cale Klague is going to the box. What are the odds they can kill another one...
  • There’s Kris Letang again. This time scoring himself. 2-0 for the flightless birds.
  • “HELLO THERE!” - Jonathan Drouin. 2-1 and I’m sensing a disturbance in the force here.
  • Oh the Habs get a power play? I didn’t know that was allowed. A chance to try and tie it up here.
  • Do or do not, there is no try. And there is no tie.
  • In fact, it gets worse. 3-1 flightless birds. Also Ben Chiarot is going to the box.
  • “HELLO THERE, EXCEPT IN FINNISH!” - Jesse Ylonen. 3-2 and somehow there is hope. /

Third Period

  • Hope is a dangerous thing. Brian Dumoulin makes it 4-2 for the flightless birds.
  • This game is as clumsy as it is stupid.
  • I suppose this is just how tanking is. They actually haven’t played that bad, they are just one with the tank, and the tank is with them.
  • The type of tank that could make the Kessel run in 12 parsecs.
  • Maybe if they acquire Phil Kessel they can pass the Coyotes in the lottery race.
  • I suppose it can’t really get any worse, right?
  • You will find that it is you who are mistaken, about a great many things. Brian Boyle makes it 5-2 for the flightless birds.
  • A power play has appeared. Perhaps a chance for a late comeback.
  • No deal, this tank is completely unstoppable regardless of power plays,.

EOTP 3 Stars of the night

3) The charge to the top of the division is going to happen any day now

2) Two whole goals are nice

1) Now to come with a game plan to lose to the Flyers

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