Canadiens weekly preview: Trollin' the Avalanche, Blue Jackets, and Maple Leafs

Trollin' the Avalanche, Blue Jackets and Leaves.

Tuesday, March 18th, 2014

Opposing team: Colorado Avalanche

Record as of start of week: 44-19-5 for 93 points (not too bad considering Andre Benoit is their number 1 d-man).

Best Player: Matt Duchene whose career goal total is actually 1 higher than it should be due to this actually being called onside by an amazingly competent ref.

Starting Goalie: Semyon Varlamov.

Wildcard: Newly acquired Reto Berra whom the Avalanche hilariously purchased from the Flames for a 2nd round pick and then hysterically re-signed to a 3 year $4,350,000 contract. 29 NHL games.

Fun fact about the team: They play with a combination of skill, speed and a blinding fear that they might get murdered in their sleep should they lose.

Fun fact about the city: Denver is the home of the Superbowl XLVIII losing Denver Broncos. And by losing I meant "HOLY CRAP DID THEY EVEN PLAY THE GAME?"

Habs will win if: They can utilize their speed and skill to avoid the pane of glass that Patrick Roy will try to push over onto the Habs bench.

Habs will lose if: They relapse from their moment of clarity and dress Douglas Murray.

Highlight of the night: Patrick Roy jumps onto the ice and tries to fight Brandon Prust after Prust takes a shot on his net (He is irrational and insane).

Predicted tweets of the night:

@everyhockeyperson Patrick Roy used to play for the Habs and now he's coaching the Avalanche and they could have hired him as their coach but they didn't and look at him now he's good at it and not just batshit nutso.

@canadiensofficialaccount Check out the 10 best Patrick Roy moments!

@AvsFans Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon Nathan MacKinnon

Thursday, March 20th, 2014

Opposing team: Columbus Blue Jackets

Record as of start of week: 35-26-6 for 76 points.

Best Player: Nathan Horton who seems a lot less like a massive shit head and a lot more like a solid power forward who would be an asset to any team like he was in Florida.

Starting Goalie: BOBROVSKY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wildcard: James Wisniewski, though I may be blowing his involvement in this game out of proportion.

Fun fact about the team: They employ a blue collar work ethic approach which is slang for "they suck and their goaltending is their entire team".

Fun fact about the city: Columbus is the third most "we had no clue this city was in Ohio" in Ohio.

Habs will win if: They're able to overpower the supreme defensive mastery of Jack Johahahahahaha.

Habs will lose if: Their token French Canadian does what all token French Canadians do against the Habs.

Highlight of the night: Nick Foligno jumps into space (we get it your dad did the jump thing).

Predicted tweets of the night:

@bluejacketsfans We're relevant now! Look at us! We're almost in the playoffs! Hey! HEY! Look at us! Relevant! RELEVANT!

@HabsFans We will take any one on your team for Rene Bourque yes even Blake Comeau.

@JayandDan BOBROVSKY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Opposing team: Toronto Maple Leaves

Record as of start of week: 36-25-8 80 points (one behind the Habs haha the Leaves are absolutely terrible).

Best Player: Phil Kessel who is somehow an elite NHL scorer despite being an overweight disheveled homeless person who can't afford a haircut or a razor apparently.

Starting Goalie: Jonathan Bernier, the king of the gaffe.

Wildcard: Dion Phaneuf. You never know when this mensa member will get confused and hit his own teammate.

Fun fact about the team: They hold the all-time NHL franchise record for Most Seasons Started with Unabashed Irrational Hope Only To Crap Out In March And Leave The Fanbase Crushed And Destroyed And Dead Inside.

Fun fact about the city: Toronto is home to an overhyped, overpaid, baboon-like, useless public figure who is an un-convicted drug user and who is constantly leaving Torontonians hoping for better news but are always left disappointed, confused and angry whenever David Clarkson takes the ice.

Habs will win if: They can shut down Phil Kessel because come on let's be honest they're a one man team.

Habs will lose if: Randy Carlyle properly nourishes his team byt figuring out how to turn on the toaster.

Highlight of the night: Habs win and send the Leafs spiraling downward out of the playoffs.

Predicted tweets of the night:

@SmartPeople Reimer would have had that

@SmartPeople Bernier would have had that

@smartpeople Go Habs Go

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