Canadiens weekly preview: Trollin' the Blackhawks, Islanders, & Rangers

Previewing the week ahead for the Montreal Canadiens in the best possible way, by trolling.

April 9th 2014 - Game 80

Opposing team: Chicago Blackhawks

Record as of start of week: 45-19-15 for 105 points. 3rd in the Central division, 6 whole points behind the St. Louis Blues who have a game in hand.

Best Player: Finnish Savior Teuvo Terevainen who has zero points in 3 games and has been a healthy scratch a bunch of times. So much hype. So much hype.

Starting Goalie: Montrealer Corey Crawford who was abandoned by Stephane Waite for being too shitty at goalie.

Wildcard: 4 million dollar, 14 point man Bryan Bickell. Always a chance he'll do something considering something he did must have earned him that money. Good for him.

Fun fact about the team: They willingly employ Pierre Gauthier.

Fun fact about the city: Their style of pizza isn't the best style of pizza.

Habs will win if: Dale Weise dresses. They're 11-2-1 with him in the lineup.

Habs will lose if: The Blackhawks play like Blues. The Blues have beaten the Habs twice this season. The Hawks haven't beat the Habs. Geeze the Blues really are better than the Hawks.

Highlight of the night: Fans locate Pierre Gauthier and murder him.

Predicted tweets of the night:


@HIOHF Bergevin hasn't learnt anything from him time in Chicago the Hawks have a better record and more cups than the Habs in recent years.

@AnnoyingHabsFansiftheHawksWin I wanna be a Hawks faaaaan

April 10th - Game 81

Opposing team: New York Islanders

Record as of start of week: 31-36-11 for 73 points. My guess is they'll keep their first round pick this year because they're picking in the top 8 for sure because they're so bad.

Best Player: Future player for another team John Tavares

Starting Goalie: Garth Snow

Wildcard: Thomas Vanek

Fun fact about the team: The used to be great but haven't really done anything in decades. Who even cheers for a team like that?

Fun fact about the city: Uniondale is where hopes and dreams go after they've already died.

Habs will win if: The puck is dropped

Habs will lose if: Alexei Yashin decides to earn his pay

Highlight of the night: Fans locate Garth Snow and murder him.

Predicted tweets of the night:

@IslesFans We'll be better next year because we're moving stadiums

April 12th - Game 82

Opposing team: New York Rangers

Record as of start of week: 43-31-5 for 91 points. STILL haven't clinched a playoff spot and are a whopping 6 points behind the Habs having clearly won the McDonagh trade. Funny how that works.

Best Player: Mats Zuccarello. I'm not kidding. He has nearly 20 more points than Rick Nash and nearly 10 more than Brad Richards.

Starting Goalie: Henrik Lundqvist, who at this point is better known for being good looking than for being good at goalie.

Wildcard: Crybaby Martin St. Louis.

Fun fact about the team: They signed Scott Gomez to a 7 year 51.5 million dollar contract. Idiots.

Fun fact about the city: The Yankees suck

Habs will win if: They can outmatch overachiever Ryan McDonagh in his own zone. Guy is a straight up tire fire.

Habs will lose if: I keep making jokes like that last one.

Highlight of the night: French Canadian Martin St. Louis passes to French Canadian Derick Brassard who Francophone and former Hab Benoit Pouliot who passes it to probable former franchise cornerstone Ryan McDonagh who passes it to former Hab Raphael Diaz who passes it to former Hab Dominic Moore who then gets called for Too Many Men on the ice.

Predicted tweets of the night:

@everyone MCDONAGH



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