With a slump this bad, people have been wondering if Marc Bergevin is going to do anything to spark his team back into gear…
A Hockey City is made up of a number of crazy characters that appear to be grossly related to actual people (for legal purposes, this is just a coincidence). To help our readers, here’s a roster of who these characters are, what they stand for, and how you can contact them for interviews.
Always looking for a way to win, the Coach hates excuses, and loves food preparation. The Coach cannot be reached for an interview, as he’s usually busy deciding how to limit your ice time.
Always business, always sharp, the G.M. is destined to recapture the glory that made his city venerable and renowned for hockey. He can be reached for an interview when he’s not working on his lats, or trying to figure out how to replicate trades he made on his PlayStation.
Gifted. Reflex-adept. Able to track hockey pucks by seeing into the future. Neural connectivity suggests an ability to bend space and time while in a blue goaltender crease. Wears a special goalie mask to control headaches caused by hypersensitivity to motion. CP31 has plenty of time on hands right now for interviews. Simply clasp your hands together, bow your head, and pray to him in order to establish a connection.
Robot. Self-aware. On loan from a special robotics program at Princeton University. Potential for world domination, but prefers hockey for now. Also known as “Mechanical Intelligent Kickass Eviscerator” to his fans. Please send all interview queries experimentalgoalieproject@princeton.com.
Takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Ask him what time it is and he’ll answer “Ticker Time!”
Team Captain. Leader. Always a grounding force for his teammates. Will answer questions, but prefers to do so with his play on the ice.
Fashion-forward. Popular and confident. Not lacking in flair. Will contact you for an interview.
Currently incarcerated for passport fraud under the alias of “Dutch Gretzky”. Currently unavailable for interviews.
Turtle-neck wearing smart-ass. Does not like to be interviewed, so don’t bother. Seriously, don’t even bother.
Quiet. Perceptive…almost to a villainous level. Is the hockey equivalent to Marshawn Lynch in interviews – but don’t be fooled, when you ask him a question, he answers while simultaneously peering into your soul.
“Davey.” A superior impersonator of Yoda. Blessed and relentless. Will not answer questions about what line he plays on. Just go with it: he is the third-line center no matter how much more ice-time he’s getting than everyone else.
It’s 8 degrees in Boston today, and raining. I hope they’ve figured something out to keep the ice surface frozen for the Winter Classic on Friday…
