- In the beginning, the lockout ended, and we rejoiced. Then our teams hit the ice, and, for some of us, the rejoicing was over.
- For others, it wasn’t so bad. The Chicago Blackhawks began the season with a historic win streak that apparently rescued small children from a burning building, a bunch of people from drowning in the lake, and all of the kittens stuck in all of the trees in the state of Illinois.
- P.K. Subban began the season by sitting out a few games and then signing a criminally cheap contract with the Canadiens (not your team), which included a clause entitled “How The Organization Will Pay Dearly For This In July 2014.”
- Ryan O’Reilly also famously sat out the beginning of the season, and then signed a contract with the Avalanche, which included a clause entitled “How The Organization Just Saved Jay Feaster’s Ass From Itself.”
- The Washington Capitals started the season depressingly/miserably/soul-crushingly, which appears to have been a character-building experience for Washington Capitals fans. Those of you who have ever made half a joke about the Capitals will know what I’m talking about.
- Meanwhile, somewhere in New Jersey, Daniel Briere’s oldest son opened a kitchen cupboard to get a cereal bowl and was almost crushed by all the Class that fell out of it.
- In Detroit, the Red Wings embarked on the Post-Lidstrom Era, which means, they, uh, were there, kind of.
- The Nashville Predators embarked on the Bunch Of Injuries To Key Players Era, which brought out the Ottawa Senators‘ competitive streak.
- The Florida Panthers were not to be outdone, and immediately began suffering injuries to all of their key players, all of their replacement level players, three quarters of the staff, and anyone living within 25 miles of their BB&T Center.
- In Washington, the Captials eventually recovered, in part due to Alexander Ovechkin being so awesome that he played on both wings at the same time, which is probably how this happened.
- The Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup in April.
- The Columbus Blue Jackets almost made the playoffs, but unfortunately, against the hopes of every human being outside the state of Minnesota, the last remaining spot in the Western Conference was won by the Minnesota Wild. THIS IS WHY NOBODY LIKES YOU, MINNESOTA WILD.
- The Toronto Maple Leafs made the playoffs for the first time in 9 years, which was a beautiful moment for Leafs fans, MLSE, the CBC, TSN, and all of their sponsors. The Leafs then took one of the best teams in the NHL to seven games, but the hockey gods proceeded to bind their arms and legs together in the final minutes of Game 7.
- The New York Islanders also made the playoffs after a relatively long drought and became the official bandwagon team of the 2013 NHL playoffs.
- The San Jose Sharks swept the Vancouver Canucks and played an absolutely stellar series against the reigning Cup champs, taking the Kings to seven games, because Patrick Marleau is a useless bum.
- The Wings went up 3-1 on the Hawks as Jonathan Toews turned into a petulant child. Tantrum City. Then he stopped being a baby and the Requisite Playoff Adversity was Overcome.
- In the East, a bunch of dumb, boring shit happened, yada yada yada, the Bruins won the conference.
- The Stanley Cup Finals were glorious, which is often what happens when you put the best teams together, and also I was vindicated because I’ve been terrified of the Bruins since the beginning of the season but every time I said they were practically unstoppable some Habs fan would argue with me that the Bruins weren’t even that good and maybe we shouldn’t have underestimated them because holy crap and also I was right.
- Patrice Bergeron played with a million injuries, culminating in a collapsed lung, and now every player is going to think doing this is okay because Bergy did it, and he’s got heart, and everybody respects Bergy, and it’s the playoffs… until somebody dies.
- The elevator to the press box at TD Garden is really slow.
- The Blackhawks beat Boston, and in doing so did not save hockey, or any children trapped in a burning building, or anybody drowning in the lake, or any kittens in trees.
- They saved humanity.
- The End.
- Well, not really, because then a whole bunch of other stuff happened.
- Such as the 2013 NHL Entry Draft, in which the Colorado Avalanche took Halifax Moosehead Nathan MacKinnon with their first pick, after telling everybody who would listen that they would be taking Nathan MacKinnon with the first pick, which resulted in everybody being surprised that they actually took Nathan MacKinnon with the first pick.
- Mike Gillis concluded his year-long mismanagement of his goaltending situation by mismanaging his relationship with his remaining goaltender.
- Before the draft, Philadelphia and the surrounding areas had declared a state of emergency after being overrun with Daniel Briere’s Class, so Paul Holmgren did the only thing he knows how to do and threw money at the problem in the hopes that it would go away. He followed that up by ending the Ilya Bryzgalov Era in Philly. In a related story, none of Danny Briere’s Class ever accidentally dripped onto Flyers beat writers.
- The Leafs decided to do things a little differently, and threw money at the solution to go away instead, following that up with the most predictable signings in the history of the universe.
- The Bruins threw their problem away, to Dallas, who maybe hope to hide the problem in their new jersey redesign, which will grow on you, I promise. Boston got Loui Eriksson in return, which further proves my theory that the devil owns Peter Chiarelli’s soul.
- Speaking of the Devils, Ilya Kovalchuk retired from the NHL, which sucks for those of us who enjoyed his work, but more so for Jeremy Roenick, who isn’t taking it so well.
- Speaking of turning your back, Daniel Alfredsson left Ottawa, and their fans are devastated, which means Andrew Berkshire isn’t going to be even a tiny bit nice to them during this difficult time. Alfie is not going to win a Cup with Detroit.
- Speaking of traitors, Jarome Iginla went back to the hat and asked to be sorted again, to Slytherin House.
- Speaking of Slytherin House, as of this writing, Montreal is in on Jaromir Jagr, again, according to his agent. Hahahahahaha.
- If I missed your team or something that happened to it, it’s probably because I don’t care.
tl;dnr version: the Chicago Blackhawks saved humanity.
