500 words of praise for Zdeno Chara

A while ago I promised to do a thing for charity, and unfortunately this is that thing.

A few weeks ago, or a few months ago, I procrastinate so much that I have no idea anymore, I promised the wonderful Sarah Connors of Stanley Cup of Chowder that I would write 500 words of praise for one of my most hated NHL players, Zdeno Chara, if she raised a certain amount in donations for her charity run in one day. She did, because she's awesome. Below you will find 500 words of praise for Chara, not including this introduction. In the interest of not cheating on the word count, I'm going to note up here that the first point was submitted by Andrew Berkshire. He's not a murderer, probably.

  • In fact, there hasn't been any evidence tying him to a serious crime.
  • Yet. There are no documented instances of him kicking a baby. Yet.
  • There are no documented instances of him kicking puppies or drowning kittens, either. Yet.
  • I haven't ever heard of him playing Nicki Minaj in the Bruins dressing room, although I have no idea who the Bruins dressing room DJ is and it's entirely possible that given the opportunity, he might play Nicki Minaj in the Bruins dressing room. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. For now.
  • Um... he's... tall? I have no idea whether this is praise or not but when I asked Twitter for help writing this article ages ago this was a very common response, so let's assume it is.
  • Well, I mean, he's not Raffi Torres or Matt Cooke, right?
  • Since he and Patrice Bergeron are teammates, I'm going to go ahead and give him a couple of points by association.
  • It is a known fact that he can decapitate any goaltender in the league with his shot, and yet all NHL goalies who have played against him are still attached to their heads.
  • One time he wore these for charity.
  • For some reason, when I Googled the above, two pictures of Claude Giroux came up, so let's give him points for that, because we love Claude Giroux.
  • One time he wore a big pink bunny suit to cheer up some sick kids.
  • If you're a short person, he would make a good shopping companion, because for some reason all the stores hang the cutest clothes about a foot out of your reach. Taking Chara with you ensures you avoid looking like a fool trying to jump up and down to get at that blazer that would go with literally everything in your closet why is it up so high and why are there never any salespeople around at times like this aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
  • As far as Google told me, there are no videos of him onstage at a Nickelback concert. Yet.
  • He has exactly as many Norris Trophies as P.K. Subban. Points by association.
  • Also, he plays the same position, so more points by association.
  • Let's give him some association points for playing on the same team as Stylin' Tuukka Rask.
  • The Ottawa Senators kept Wade Redden instead.
  • This is a nice article about how he took his family to an amusement park the day after he didn't win the Stanley Cup, even though he looked pretty miserable.
  • He has to look at Brad Marchand's face every day so, like, pity points.
  • He has to look at Brad Marchand's face without punching it every day, so, like, willpower and inner strength points.
  • The Emotionally Attached Chara meme gave the internet hours of amusement during the playoffs and it was pretty funny, and he made the face that spawned the meme, so you know, I guess that counts, right? That's gotta count...

... because that's 500 words already and this was way too hard because holy crap do I hate Zdeno Chara I hope you're happy Sarah and Bruins fans because now I have to go dip the hands that typed these words of Chara praise in acid. Pray for me.

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