Hart Trophies won— steve simmons (@simmonssteve) April 19, 2021
Ovie - Lemieux - Orr - Clarke - Morenz all 3
Marleau once finishined 9th in Hart voting.
How dare Patrick Marleau play so many games that he be above any of those names. Particularly without a single Hart Trophy. Absolute bum. Personally I agree so hard with Steve Simmons it’s not even funny. You should immediately be forced to retire if you’ve played even an equal number of games to someone who has more Hart Trophies than you.
Patrick Marleau should be ashamed. Better yet, he should be brought to trial at his expense for this egregious violation of hockey history. This trial will take place on the lawn of the greatest writer to ever touch a keyboard; Steve Simmons. Marleau is not permitted to attend his own trial.
In fact, nobody with less than 8 Hart trophies can attend, so the absolute LEGEND that is Steve Simmons will hand down his verdict in front of an audience comprised solely of Wayne Gretzky.
In case my sarcasm was not abundantly clear, my actual opinion is that Steve is a Muppet.
Anyways, let’s see how this game goes!
- The Habs almost scored 10 seconds in. I look forward to the 5 other times they’ll almost score before getting scored on twice.
- There’s Alexander Romanov drawing a penalty without actually getting the power play.
- In soviet Russia, penalty draws you!
- This is going entirely too well for something bad to not happen. It’s too Habs for them to play this well and not somehow get scored on first.
- And Connor McDavid scores... Okay.
- WAIT. WE HAVE A CHALLENGE. Looking at the replay if this isn’t disallowed then Steve Simmons is actually the greatest writer on the planet.
- No goal! Eat it, Steve.
- A Habs power play. Make no mistake about it I’m ready to be hurt again.
- Spoiler alert: they didn’t score. Not the worst power play I’ve seen this season though, so we call that progress!
- Phillip Danault goes after Connor McDavid, which is a super penalty. That’s where you just automatically get a goal. Because it was against McDavid and you have McDavid.
- Or you don’t because McDavid sucks, because he only has ONE Hart trophy. According to the Simmons Scroll of NHL Worthiness, he’s only allowed to play like 100 more games if he doesn’t win another one.
- Jake Allen is out to start the second period. I hope Price is okay and he just didn’t feel like McDavid was worth his time since they have the same amount of Hart trophies.
- Four scoreless periods in a row for the Habs. They might just never score again.
- When is Cole Caufield’s first NHL goal scheduled for?
- Or... Eric Staal? Soccer goal? Will it count?
- Well the Oilers didn’t challenge so it counts and the game should just be over everyone can go to bed. 1-0 Habs.
- Tomas Tatar gets a penalty because the Oilers guy who’s name I already forgot can’t hold his stick properly.
- Killed by the Habs because McDavid is overrated and hasn’t won enough MVPs to not be overrated.
- Now a Habs power play. Can they do better?
- Lol. No. Now this might be the worst power play I’ve seen all year.
- CONNOR MCDAVID JUST CHOKED ON A TWO ON ZERO. ZEEEEERO.
- By rule, his spot on Team Canada is now forfeit to Phillip Danault. Maybe Tyler Toffoli instead.
- Another penalty to the Habs, another kill by the Habs. Please stop taking penalties.
- Alternatively, just keep taking penalties. Constantly. Toffoli to the box to begin the third.
- The Habs are just straight killers tonight. I’d support playing Mr. Brightside every time they take a penalty, we can all sing it and get hype. It’s apparently something they want to do a lot of.
- Jake Allen is doing some absolutely absurd goaltending right now.
- Archibald pulls a Kreider and just slides into Allen. That’s one way to try and get through him.
- Ethan Bear evens the score after about 5 straight quality chances for the Oilers. Bold strategy to just watch them pass the puck around your own zone.
- That ruined the rare tandem shutout that I wanted so badly. Bear is now my least favourite player in the league.
- And there’s Connor McDavid finally scoring. Should be game point there since the Habs have just stopped playing for whatever reason.
- Jesse Puljujarvi with one more just to make it worse.
- Empty netter just to make it embarrassing.
- Habs lose. What else did you expect sitting on a one goal lead in the third. Brilliant strategy there.
EOTP 3 Stars
3) And then Patrick Roy would be parachuted down from the rafters in full gear for OT if necessary.
2) Elite Elbow thrower. Mediocre hockey player. How selfish to just never get off the ice like it’s a drunken ODR game.
1) And then he will win his first Hart Trophy and finally be worthy in the eyes of Steve Simmons