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Canadiens vs Kings Top Six Minutes: Way she goes

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Sometimes she goes, sometimes she doesn't. Tonight, she didn't. Way she goes.

Gary Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports

The Montreal Canadiens hopped on a flight earlier this week to head out west for what they thought was a routine road trip. But they were so very wrong, as this was no ordinary road trip.

What would have been useful, at least in terms of allowing for better preparation, is a shit barometer. Do you know what a shit barometer is? It measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. The lack of such a tool on the Canadiens' chartered plane was likely what allowed them to fly unwittingly into a unique phenomenon, affecting only them in California. To the sounds of the whispering winds of shit, the Canadiens made their descent into California. Alas, they were unaware, that the shit winds were coming for them.

Perhaps a Thursday night battle with the Kings would quell the ever shitty winds. After all, if the guy upstairs didn't want us to get drunk and play the VLTs, he wouldn't have put them there in the first place. And if he wanted the Kings to beat the Habs, he'd have let them do it when they had Wayne Gretzky. WAY SHE GOES.

Note: If you haven't figured it out, tonight's is a TSM themed after the Trailer Park Boys. As such, reader discretion is advised due to profanity.

First Period

  • We can't call people without wings angels, so we call them Carey Price... He's not playing tonight, so Dustin Tokarski is the man person in nets.
  • Dale Weise is still a top six forward, even though he's not, but he's there, so he must be, right?
  • ]
  • The Kings broadcast desperately wants you to believe that Dustin Brown did not dive less than five minutes into the game, but he did, big time.
  • Dustin Brown is the stupidest fuck giraffe in the dumb dumb salad... It took significantly less time to use that line than I thought it would.
  • The only thing more rare than the Habs scoring first is a damn Samsquanch. There aren't any of those greasy bastards around, nor should you have expected the former to occur. 1-0 Kings.
  • If you look up 'Shithawk' in the dictionary that I wrote, there's a picture of Jeff Carter. He's a big dirty bird that swoops down and poops on you, maybe scores on you too. 2-0 Kings and this one might get ugly folks...
  • Just a little drinky poo... For courage.
  • I wonder if the Habs all like to go hard on the liquor when they're in California. Maybe they've all been kinda drunk since they landed, hence all the losing?

Second period

  • Anyone else at this point ready to say fuck this game, let's get drunk and eat chicken fingers? I'm talking the good kind here.
  • There was this great commercial on Fox during the intermission where a guy was singing a song about how much he loves California. I can guarantee that sentiment is not shared by any members of the Montreal Canadiens.
  • I know most people wonder what the philosophy behind the Michel Therrien line blender is...
  • All of the powerplays go to the Kings. All of them.
  • No, wait! Anze Kopitar to the box, two minutes for dirty dancing. He's also definitely a Mustard Tiger. Gree-hee-heeeasy.
  • Powerplays are where all hopes of a comeback go to die when you're a Habs fan. There's always this slim hope that they'll do something with it, but hahahahahahahahaha no.
  • Shots on goal are at 17-5 for L.A. with nine minutes to go, what happened to this team that they just won't shoot the darn puck, eh?
  • And what could possibly be worse than getting fucked by Bears?
  • Did Tom Gilbert just go Bobby Orr on Jonathan Quick??
  • DID BRENDAN GALLAGHER JUST TIE THE GAME ON THEIR NINTH SHOT???
  • Yeah, something definitely must be because I was under the impression that Jonathan Quick was "Elite" hehehe.

Third period

  • Someone needed to do something to turn this shitliner around or she was coming into port hard with no way to stop. Gallagher and Gilbert may have steered her back to an acceptable course.
  • "I'm sorry, I can't do anything... A snake bit my cock" - Dale Weise, probably. Thinks he's the captain of the shitliner but he's not, and his fish sticks suck.
  • FIGHT! "I'LL FACKIN GIVE YA ONE" -Brandon Prust, probably.
  • MAX PACIORETTY JUST SCORED AND NOW THEY HAVE THE LEAD?!?!?!?
  • I'm not sure what's happening here, they seemed to have escaped the whispering winds of shit, and have now drawn the Kings into the shit-abyss.
  • Marion Gaborik is a Mustard Tiger. We're all ready to call it a comeback and go to bed, and the damned dirty Mustard Tiger has to chime in. Frig off, Gaborik.

Friggin Overtime and shootout

  • "Officers Cock-Knuckles and Dicklock" is a children's book I wrote concurrently with this TSM and it is about the exploits of Dustin Brown and Jeff Carter if they were cops. Spoiler alert, they're both the dumb one but neither of them is lovable.
  • At least officers Cock Knuckles and Dicklock stayed off the scoresheet in OT. So did Montreal, though.
  • Dressed all over chips, let's go. Shootout time.
  • Damn it... Damn it... Damn it...
  • Max Pacioretty and David Desharnais just did mirroring versions of the same move and made Jonathan Quick look silly. Jonathan Quick dances dirtily.
  • Damn it... Damn it...
  • Sometimes she goes, sometimes she doesn't...

EOTP 3 Stars of the Night

3) It sucks about as much as a snake biting your cock.

2) This is a recipe for something I've had before, I'm sure of it.

1) Sapperz absolutely nailed what you gotta do during inexplicable comebacks.


Highlights

Gilbert goes Bobby Orr

Gallagher ties the game