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There are a lot of playoff previews out there that are breaking down the game from every possible angle. From Hockey Analytics to detailed season series breakdowns to player by player comparisons to gut feelings to fan soapboxes the hockey world is truly filled with every possible playoff preview....except for this one.
Earlier today a hockey meme account tweeted out an incredibly cool picture of character representations for each Eastern Conference matchup. Those pictures were made Epoole88
Eatern Conference Matchups pic.twitter.com/cLxuGA5gDZ
— The Hockey Gods! (@HockeyGods) April 16, 2014
Using that as inspiration, here is the definitive RPG style playoff prediction preview, the only one that you will need when trying to entertain yourselves before puck drop. East is today, we'll do West when that set of avatars are out.
Boston Bruins VS. Detroit Red Wings
Claude Julien waddles into the arena, he comes face to face with a scowling Mike Babcock.
CJ: Don't poke the bear, Mike
MB: Everyone look, this giant baby can talk!
The puck drops
CJ: Colin Mike is being mean to me!
Boston uses Father of Player Works For NHL Front Office! Officiating will now be biased towards the Bruins!
MB: Damnit, every damn time! Well, how does THIS tickle your fancy?
Detroit uses Playoff Pedigree! Everyone is reminded that the Red Wings have made the playoffs 23 years in a row! The Boston Bruins are kind of intimidated, maybe?
CJ: Gah! All of that consistency has to count for something! Real hockey won't cut it!
Boston uses Thuggery! It's super effective! Milan Lucic has speared Pavel Datsyuk after the whistle! Pavel Datsyuk has been injured!
MB: You rat! Hey Ref where's the call!
Father of Player Works For NHL Front Office is still in effect! The ref is not taking any action!
MB: Curses! Well, how about this?
Detroit uses AHL Sensations! It's super effective! Tomas Tatar, Gustav Nyquist, Riley Sheahan and Tomas Jurco have all scored multiple goals! Detroit has the advantage!
CJ: That can't be true! Who are these people!? Don't think we'll roll over that easily!
Boston uses We're Really Good When We Don't Use Thuggery! It's SUPER SUPER Effective!
MB: Damnit! Why couldn't we distract you long enough for us to hold on and win?! Try this move on for size!
CJ: You don't have the type advantage, on Montreal does.
MB: Nooooooo!
Boston uses Holy Trinity! Patrice Bergeron, Zdeno Chara and David Krejci have neutralized AHL Sensations. Detroit offense is ineffective!
MB: Wait wasn't it my turn?
CJ: Nuh uh!
Detroit uses Last Chance! Henrik Zetterberg has returned and scored!
Tuuka Rask used Flail! Henrik Zetterberg has been injured!
MB: We were travelling!
Boston uses Wheel Of Excuses! Boston uses Homer Media! Detroit is confused!
Detroit faints!
CJ: HA-HA-HA! All the old tricks!
MB: You are literally the worst thing ever.
Tampa Bay Lightning VS. Montreal Canadiens
Michel Therrien tries to push the door open to the arena, it clearly says pull on the door, Therrien furiously tries to push the door open for 15 minutes until he reluctantly pulls the door open and enters. Jon Cooper's Lightning have already scored a few goals.
MT: No fair I was trying to do it my way!
JC: You snooze you lose!
MT: Take that!
Montreal uses Carey Price! Tampa have stopped scoring!
JC: I knew you would do that, how does this feel?
Tampa uses Seen Stamkos? Steven Stamkos uses his blinding speed and unequaled shot! It's not very effective! Montreal's Carey Price is still in play!
JC: Oh no!
MT: See what you can do about this!
Montreal uses HOLY SHIT THEY TRADED FOR VANEK! Tomas Vanek scores! Twice!
Montreal is confused at their own playoff success! It hurt itself in its confusion!
MT: Oh no, they're rioting! My car!
Montreal has used Frustrating Offensive Zone Penalties! Tampa Bay has the advantage!
MT: DAMNIT BOURQUE!
JC: HAHAAAA! GO!
Tampa uses Seen Stamkos?, Palatable, Big Johnson. Tampa Bay scores!
MT: Damnit! I need my big guns!
Montreal uses Douglas Murray! Montreal fans are confused!
JC: Keep going!
Tampa uses Seen Stamkos? again! Carey Price renders it ineffective!
JC: Damnit!
Montreal uses PLAYOFF BRIERE! PLAYOFF BRIERE scores 100 goals on Anders Lindback!
Tampa Bay faints!
MT: And we did it with Murray in the line up!
Habs fans: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Pittsburgh Penguins VS. Columbus Blue Jackets
Todd Richards bursts into the arena cannons blazing!
TR: WE'RE HERE! EVERYONE LOOK AT US! BAM! BAM! CANNONS! CANNONS! BAM!
Dan Bylsma stares back, annoyed
Pittsburgh uses Marc-Andre Fleury!
Columbus uses SUPREME EXCITEMENT! Columbus scores!
TR: HELL YES! PLAYOFFS! WE'RE HERE! BAM! BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM!
Pittsburgh uses Sidney Crosby!
Columbus faints!
New York Rangers VS. Philadelphia Flyers
Alain Vigneault enters the arena with a smug look on his face as he glances over to the west coast. Craig Berube looks like just ate a lemon but that's what he always looks like so nobody is alarmed.
AV: Broadstreet VS. Broadway, that's pretty cool no?
CB: I WILL BEAT YOUR HEAD IN WITH A CAR BATTERY!
AV: Jesus tone it down!
CB: I WILL DRINK YOUR BLOOD ON A BEACH WITH THE SAND MADE OUT OF YOUR GROUND BONES.
AV: You are really intense.
CB: I WILL GOLF WITH YOUR EYEBALLS!
AV: Enough of this!
New York uses The King! Henrik Lundqvist is ready
CB: I WILL PLAY THE BAGPIPES WITH YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM!
Philadelphia uses This Is Really The Goalie We're Going With! Steve Mason is ready
New York scores!
New York scores!
New York Scores!
New York Scores!
New York scores!
CB: GOOD GOD! ATTACK!
Philadelphia uses CLOD! Claude Giroux has unleashed the fury! Philadelphia scores!
Philadelphia uses Party On Wayne! Wayne Simmonds plows through the defense! Philadelphia scores!
Philadelphia uses INSANE CONTRACTS! Vincent Lecavalier, Andrew MacDonald, Mark Streit live up to their cap potential! Philadelphia scores several times!
AV: I have a secret weapon!
New York uses Look What Weeeee Gooooottt! Martin St. Louis enters the playing field! Vincent Lecavalier instantly hugs Martin St. Louis! Vincent Lecavalier gets 2 for holding.
New York Scores!
Philadelphia faints!
And so, another day comes to a close in the NHL Arena, tune in tomorrow for the Western Match Ups!