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The Minnesota Wild: The Greatest Team To Never Do Anything At All

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I have travelled far and wide to the great webzone that is Eyes on the Prize to talk to you about the Minnesota Wild.

Parise & Suter catching their dinner
Parise & Suter catching their dinner
I am an artist

Bonjour mes amis! I was summoned to this wonderful website to warn you about the Western Conference tragedy that is the Minnesota Wild. You only have to watch your team play these miserable jerks twice a year, and while that it is still two too many times, I am extremely jealous. You may be thinking that this is a meaningless game against a dumb Western Conference team, but there's much more to this.

Anything that the Minnesota Wild touches will die. The stink that the team will leave in your lovely arena will cost the league millions of dollars--due to tenting the arena, the rental of biohazard suits, and the vaccinations that fans, employees, management and the team will have to get. Do you know how much it costs to hose down an arena of that size with rubbing alcohol? Hopefully the Habs will go on a long road trip so they don't have to inhale the fumes. Oh lord, the Habs on a homestand right now? Two days off is not enough time. Scratch all of your best players on Tuesday.

Let's talk about the components of the Minnesota Wild that make them so deplorable.

They employ Matt Cooke

If you don't already know, I'm a San Jose Sharks fan. You may not think that I have a right to talk about teams employing idiots but because of the fact that my team employs idiots, I am somewhat of an expert on the topic. Matt Cooke is the worst. Take the genetic make-up of Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Osama Bin Laden, and John Wayne Gacy, put them in Billy Zane's body and you have Matt Cooke. His farts smell like axe body spray and his breath smells like jagerbombs. I would say to keep your head up when you're around him, but he will still find a way to decapitate you.

They ruin careers of promising star players

Whether it is through injuring a player or simply acquiring an unexpecting player, there are very few who find success after coming in contact with the Minnesota Wild.

Devin Setoguchi

Remember him? Not many do. He was acquired by the Minnesota Wild via trade and has been bouncing from team to team ever since. He went from being a 20 goal scorer for the Sharks to a healthy scratch candidate in Calgary. He will be waived and there is no one to blame except the Minnesota Wild.

Dany Heatley

Ah yes, the fan favorite. Although he is not the most likeable guy in the league, once upon a time he was good at hockey. The Sharks were nice enough to trade him to the Wild for Martin Havlat's corpse because they wanted to give a team a chance to have a star. What a mistake that was. Once a constant 30+ goal scorer, now a sad man who plays on the Anaheim Ducks' fourth line. He took a one year, one million dollar contract with the Ducks.

Dany Heatley on his stint with the Wild:

"Playing for the Minnesota Wild was the beginning of the end of my career. I would have rather gone to jail instead of making that plea bargain and living in Minnesota."

Zach Parise

While his numbers have not suffered much, his soul is forever crushed due to the deal with the devil he made. He once was on a team who was two games away from winning the cup, and now he is on a team who has made the playoffs three times in the past nine seasons. His choice to be greedy and sign with the Minnesota Wild is something that he has to live with for the next decade and for the rest of his life.

Ilya Bryzgalov

An actual fan favorite. He was loved by many. His banter is something that we all adored and treasured. He was once a happy-go-lucky goaltender with a heart of gold, and now he is left unemployed and penniless. Thanks to the awful Minnesota team who played in front of him during the playoffs, nobody wants his damaged goods. I hope that one day he finds a new team, but what's the point? He's going to be terrible due to the association he had with that team.

[The list goes on and on but you have the idea, Minnesota = Poison]

The fans are the absolute worst

When you think about people from Minnesota, you probably think of people with bad accents who are friendly. This is half true. People from Minnesota do have awful accents, and they are even worse than Boston accents, but they are anything but friendly. They are a bunch of vultures who try to hurt your feelings but you end up laughing at them because their burns are Not Good. To give you an example, a Minnesota fan last week used the cup argument whilst trying to burn me. THE CUP ARGUMENT! The Wild have had even less success than the San Jose Sharks, which is a pretty difficult thing to accomplish. They also threaten physical harm if you write a post about the Wild on a satirical blog.

People from Minnesota will make your ears bleed trying to tell you that their state is anything less than a hellscape, but they are horrible liars so very few people fall for their deceit.

They can't even get an outdoor game

All of the best teams play in outdoor games. Minnesota claims that they are the state of hockey yet the league refuses to give them an outdoor game because they know that nobody will want to go or watch. Wild hockey is some of the most boring hockey that I have ever seen. Playing outside isn't going to make it any better, and I assume that Prince will turn down an offer to play during the intermission because he vowed to never return to that garbage pail of a state.

An outdoor game is a romantic ode to hockey and how the game was originally played, and the Wild is the polar opposite of a romantic ode, more like a funeral march.

There is no good reason why they exist

They don't have hall of fame players, they've never done anything noteworthy, their jerseys are awful and like I stated earlier, Wild hockey is like taking 5 ambien pills. There's a pretty damn good reason why the North Stars got moved a couple of decades ago and it's only a matter of time until the Wild find themselves playing in Houston.

Run while you still can, Montreal fans. You live in a beautiful city with plenty of things to do. Go for a walk. Eat poutine. Yell at tourists in French. Do not give the Minnesota Wild undeserved ratings because your team is actually popular and actually good.

#StopWildHockey2014