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Advanced stats users don't watch hockey

In a surprising move, supporters of advanced stats in hockey have finally admitted to what we've assumed all along.

Andrew Berkshire, seen here working on an article for EOTP.
Andrew Berkshire, seen here working on an article for EOTP.

"The numbers don't lie" is a phrase we've been hearing ad nauseam since the advanced stats community introduced itself to the hockey world.

The group, unofficially known as the Numerical Eccentrics for Realistic Dissection have claimed they have the most up-to-date statistics that can paint a clearer picture with regard to analyzing hockey players, teams and the game itself.

They allege that the 'old way' of looking at hockey is flawed, and that we should be open to new tools to help us evaluate everything hockey.

Seems like a great idea, doesn't it? Well, as with everything in life, if it seems to good to be true, it probably is.

In fact, not one of these so called math wizards have received a job offer as a general manager for an NHL team.

Not a single one.

The evidence is damning.

Which leads me to believe that they are simply trying to confuse us with a plethora of indistinguishable numbers, and for most, it seems to have worked.

Unfortunately, advanced statistics are gaining steam. There are even whispers that some NHL teams have looked into these taboo numbers. However, that steam is about to be released in a vapour bomb of shocking truth.

In a scandalous move, a few members of the Numerical Eccentrics for Realistic Dissection have admitted they never watch hockey games.

"What, do you expect me to watch the games as well as formulating advanced statistics? Ain't nobody got time for that!"

-articulated advanced stats expert Rob Vollman.

"Listen, I'll check out highlight videos on youtube once in a while, but that's about it. I don't like hockey at all, I just like putting together numbers so that I can win arguments on the internet"

-begrudgingly explained Cam Charron.

"I used to watch a little hockey in the 80's, but once I got a handle on advanced stats I made the obvious choice to switch to a stats only analysis. In fact, I only really enjoy the All-Star game"

-admitted stats guru Mathieu Roy.

There you have it, folks. We were right. Those dorks don't even lift watch the games.

Turns out that Steve Kouleas was right all along:

I, for one, will stick to the good ole' statistics that we all know and love. For example, did you know that the Habs are 7-4 on Wednesday nights during a leap year where a Liberal Prime Minister is in office?

Those are the type of important statistics that we should be concerned with. Enough with all the 'corsi this, and fenwick that' mumbo jumbo. Let's follow Steve Kouleas' advice and leave that to the experts ... who don't even use those silly numbers in the first place.

It's time to reclaim statistics for the working man!

We're going to talk plus /minus, we're going to talk goalie wins, we're going to evaluate heart and leadership, and we're going to talk character and intangibles all the way to the Stanley Cup!

BYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!