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What's In A (Russian) Name?

Origins of words, dialect, and languages themselves can be pretty funny. Proper names if traced back in history all find significance somewhere in time. Just think of names such as Barber, Baker, Miller and Horne - all proper nouns as well as surnames. Likely in their families ancestry someone took on the name of their trade. Heck even the word "shit" has a well founded origin.

This all came to mind when I stumbled across an English - Russian dictionary. Although the former USSR has a slightly different alphabet, translation of Russian surnames was done with ease. Interestingly, the common suffix "ov" is verbal rather than noun based. As the English were predominantly named after proffesions, it seems Russians were named after actions, traits, and situations. Applying this theory to the surnames of Russian born hockey players was extremely enlightening and only sometimes difficult. It shed a lot of light on the language. It was almost as if it was the opposite of french, where long sentences say one simple thought. In Russian, a surname can encompass entire behaviours. Using this dictionary, what I came up with was revealing. Though I am sure my attempts to translate were not always 100% accurate, it made for a fun exercise. Here is what I came up with.

Fedorov - Give her food and kick her out
Perezhogin - Father eats pork
Malakhov - Bad sore throat
Samsonov - The son of Sam
Malkin - Something done to a cow
Fedotenko - Give her food and charge ten bucks
Markov - A checklist
Antropov - Bring Mom's sister to a hanging ( I might have missed something here! )
Ponikarovski - Ride on top in backseat
Brylin - very smart
Kostitsyn - Tax included OR expensive boob job ( Not sure on this one, may be a combination of both )
Kovalev - Lives with woman in sin
Kovalchuk - Gay marriage
Konowalchuk - Menage a trois
Korolev - Adultry
Kondratiev - Congratulations on your newborn
Krivokrasov - Swings both ways
Khavanov - Have your cake and eat it too
Kozlov - Expensive divorce
Koltsov - Shy girl
Kalinin - Everybody agrees
Frolov - Prostitute
Yashin - Costly renovation
Zitnik - Shaving accident
Datsyuk - Cheese gone bad
Morozov - Another beer please
Bure - Slippery
Arkhipov - Decendent Of Noah
Salei - You're in like a dirty shirt Bud
Skrastins - Venerial disease
Karpotsev - Potholes
Butsayev - Nice cheeks
Nikolishin - I want back my nickle
Kasparaitis - Vanished in thin air
Bryzgalov - Got wise and left him
Novoseltsev - Masturbation
Saprykin - Damn dyke ( Could be redundant )
Afinigenov - Gay prostitute
Ulanov - Dildo
Smirnov - Party
Zubov - Expensive dildo
Zubrus - Orgy
Tretiak - Talks too much
Tverdosky - Teach your dog to sing ( ? )
Mogilny - Bandage
Zednik - Bleeding scalp
Suglobov - Sweet nothings
Visnofski - Nothing man
Svitov - Free of charge
Nabokov - Amputation