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Vokoun Fails Examination, Passes Audition

The Nashville Predators issued a statement regarding the status of goaltender Tomas Vokoun on Monday. Vokoun has been undergoing treatment for a condition called pelvic trombonephlebitis.

The condition arose late last season when chunks of brass began protruding from the goalies lip area. As the growth took shape and Vokoun began talking like Donald Duck on quaaludes, he was rushed to the Metropolitan Opera for diagnosis. He was immediatly treated, which stopped the usual growth of the instrument into the groin area where it usually sucks in the pelvis, hence the term. Fortunatly for the goaltender, the disease ended there and he was declared on key, in tune, and ready to blow.

''Today Tomas had a follow-up appointment at the Julliard School Of Music in NY State in which his status was and performance on the instrument was reviewed,'' said general manager David Poile. ''The information we received indicates that his situation has stabilized and was likely a result of a childhood love of blowing his own horn as opposed to a more recent development of blowing big games under presure. While we will continue monitoring his status, there will be no on-going treatment of the condition. The reed implanted his in his anus in an attempt to redirect the growth has been removed but Tomas will be fitted with a specially designed goalie mask. He has been given complete clearance to return to action.''

If Vokoun blows his chance with the Predators he will entertain an offer from ROCK STAR: Earth, Wind, and Fire for the upcoming season.