March 12th 2014: Game 67
Opposing Team: Boston Asshole-Shithead-Scumbag-Kneeing-Diving-Punishment Immune-Silver Platter-Special Treatments.
Opposition’s record as of start of week: 42-17-5, 89 Points accumulated as a result of the easiest and lightest schedule in the league by a country mile. Another example of how the little baby of the NHL gets it soft.
Best Player: Zdeno “I almost killed someone willingly” Chara who is a known prick off the ice. Oh spare me the bunny suit or the “he bikes to the rink” stories. A friend saw him at a restaurant once and Chara took his table because he’s “famous”. Gross.
Starting Goalie: Tuukka Rask who is on loan from the Fluffy Dandelion Meadow Retreat Center for the Emotionally Unstable. Sorest loser in Hockey.
Wildcard: Gregory Campbell. You never know when Daddy is going to step in. He won them a cup in 2011.
Fun Fact about the team: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
Fun fact about the city: I actually really like Boston. Great history, great ball park, great bars. I’m not sure why their sports fans are such cavemen though. Must be that terrible Sam Adams.
Habs will win if: Peter Budaj starts, for some reason that defies all the laws of logic and reason.
Habs will lose if: Brad Marchand low bridges one of the Habs’ key players or if Milan Lucic decides to bowl over the Habs’ goalie or if Shawn Thornton decides to skate across the entire rink grab a Hab from behind throw him to the ground and start beating him senseless or if David Krejci dives again to get more powerplays for his team.
Highlight of the night: Brendan Gallagher gets on Chara’s nerves so much that Chara sucker punches Gallagher but misses and instead hits a ref.
Predicted tweets of the night:
@BrUInZFAN636363 #$@% THOSE FROGS RIBBIT RIBBIT *RACIST REMARK ABOUT PK SUBBAN*
@EveryHabsFan Please win, PLEASE WIN.
@Leafsfan Hey you guys hear about how our media says we won the Kessel trade now?
March 14th 2014: Game 68
Opposing Team: Ottawa Senators
Opposition’s record as of start of week: 28-25-11, 67 points.
Best Player: Left to play for the Detroit Red Wings after admitting that he had no faith that his team, the team he had played his entire career for, could come back against the Penguins.
Starting Goalie: Craig Anderson, who urges you to listen to his one hit wonder called “The 2012-2013 season”.
Wildcard: Kyle Turris: Might decide halfway through the game that doesn’t wike Ottawa and that he wants to pway fow a diffewent team in a bettew city.
Fun Fact about the team: Every Tuesday they take turns reading Dr. Seuss books to a happy go lucky giggling Chris Neil.
Fun fact about the city: It was named the Capital of Canada because the rest of the country felt bad for it.
Habs will win if: They can get Bobby Ryan off his game by getting him to name a list of his life regrets. (1. Not being better in Anaheim. 2. Not having a better no-trade clause 3. Not parachuting off the plane when I had the chance 4. Not demanding a trade when I had the chance…it goes on like that for some time)
Habs will lose if: Jared Cowan scores on the right net.
Highlight of the night: Paul MacLean pulls his team off the ice while losing 3-2 because the game is “unfair”.
Predicted tweets of the night:
@EverySensFan lalalalala Karlsson Karlsson lalalala Karlsson
@HILARIOUSpeople What a nice play by player *insertnumberhere*
@HabsFans We lost to this piece of crap team?
March 12th 2014: Game 69 (hehe)
Opposing Team: The shell that used to be the Buffalo Sabres
Opposition’s record as of start of week: 19-37-8, 36 Points. That’s the joke.
Best Player: Currently wears 20 for the Montreal Canadiens.
Starting Goalie: Jonas Enroth, who is apparently part of the rebuild. We’re with you, Jonas.
Wildcard: Matt D’Agostini. He’s on the Sabres. Did you know that? What a career.
Fun Fact about the team: John Scott is their travel bus.
Fun fact about the city: They won the Stanley Cup in Bruce Almighty.
Habs will win if: They show up.
Habs will lose if: Ville Leino scores because as per league regulation “a team must immediately forfeit and fold as a franchise if they are scored upon by Ville Leino”.
Highlight of the night: The Sabres complete a pass.
Predicted tweets of the night:
@HabsFans Vanek is on the Habs and he used to be on the Sabres.
@Sabresfans We’d take Briere back, that’s where we are as a franchise.
@SabresPlayers I’m sorry god just end this hell.
