Canadiens weekly preview: Trollin' the Lightning, Senators, & Red Wings

Jean-Yves Ahern-USA TODAY Sports

Previewing the week ahead for the Montreal Canadiens in the best possible way, by trolling.

April 1st 2014 - Game 77

Opposing team: Tampa Bay Lightning

Record as of start of week: 41-25-9 for 91 points. 2 points behind the Habs with 1 game in hand which pretty much means that Tuesday's game is the most important game in franchise history for the Lightnings. Oh you think the Stanley cup game 6 was more important? How cute.  You think a game that was decided by terrible officiating and a non-goal call that was clearly a goal was more important than any other game your franchise has played? Poor you.

Best Player: Future Toronto Maple Leaf after leaving the Lightning with nothing but a broken leg Steven Stamkos.

Starting Goalie: One of those goalies who are just good because they're tall. Like Zdeno Chara.

Wildcard: Any of the generic no name forwards they have could do something.

Fun fact about the team: Their entire existence is based off of a "Shutter Island" scenario for Ryan Malone.

Fun fact about the city: Tampa Bay isn't a city.

Habs will win if: They can shut down elite Habs killing forwards Martin St. Louis and Vincent Lecavalier.

Habs will lose if: Ben Bishop remains tall and just stands in the net as pucks hit him because that's all he really does and people think he deserves the Vezina.

Highlight of the night: Ryan Callahan doesn't get chosen in the shootout and gets really offended and doesn't play another game and signs with another team on July 1.

Predicted tweets of the night:

@Lightningfan We have more cups since the Habs last won their cup!

@Habsfan You cheer for a 2 person team.

@Lightningfan I'm off the bandwagon because Stamkos got hurt again.

April 4th 2014 - Game 78

Opposing team: Ottawa Senators

Record as of start of week: 31-29-14 for 76 points. That's 15 points behind the Habs. They can't mathematically catch the Habs. What a tire fire this season has been for the Sens. Last year they were the big bad Senators, beating the Habs in 5 and now look: The Habs have 91 points and are going into the playoffs while the Sens are floundering in mediocrity. They're worse than the Leafs. The Leafs.

Best Player:

What's even better is that Sens fans think they have a chance at the playoffs.

Starting Goalie: Sieve A

Wildcard: Sieve B

Fun fact about the team: They thought they could let their franchise cornerstone walk and also rely on their celestial goaltending without suffering a massive collapse.

Fun fact about the city:

Habs will win if: The Sens get a 3 goal lead

Habs will lose if: I got nothing the Habs have just somehow managed to pull off ass-backwards wins against the Sens this season. Go Habs, the Sens suck.

Highlight of the night: Bobby Ryan gets caught in the gap between Chris Neil's teeth.

Predicted tweets of the night:

@Sens READY FANS!? IT'S TIME TO GET LOUD!

@sensfans WE'RE RADY GO KARLSSON!

@TheCityOfOttawa Please turn down the noise or we will have to call the authorities.

April 5th 2014 - Game 79

Opposing team: Detroit Red Wings

Record as of start of week: 35-26-14 for 84 points. Jesus that's a lot of OT/Shootout losses. The same as Ottawa. Actually the Wings only have 4 more regulation wins than Ottawa.

Best Player: Injured or one of the AHL guys who is on a hot streak.

Starting Goalie: Olympic Non-Medalist

Wildcard: Injured or one of the AHL guys who is on a hot streak

Fun fact about the team: They finally got their head out of their asses and won a game.

Fun fact about the city: I did extensive research and the only fun people have in Detroit is when they drive by the "Thank you for visiting Detroit" sign.

Habs will win if: They need a win to clinch the playoffs but let's be honest they'll have it wrapped up by then because all they need is a win or for Washington to lose.

Habs will lose if: The Wings still need to win to clinch the playoffs because even Toronto could make it over them.

Highlight of the night: A Thomas/Tomas does something cool

Predicted tweets of the night:

@Habsfan We're in the playoffs already so this is pretty much meaningless

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