We revealed earlier in the season that we have a mole in NYC who has access to the Rangers' pressers. This is especially lucky since the Rangers locked down all media and refused to make the content of Tortorella's press conference public. Here's the transcript of what may be Tortorella's final post game press conference as the coach of the New York Rangers:
Rangers PR: "John is about to come out to answer some questions."
Torts: "Okay, what have you idiots got? Keep it to questions, not statements."
Larry Brooks: "So Joh-"
Torts: "Shut the f*** up, Brooksie. Next."
Larry Brooks: "You can't-"
Torts: "Next question!"
Steve Zipay: "What went wrong?"
Torts: "I'm not going to answer that."
Pat Leonard: "Do you think Brad Richards could have made a difference tonight?"
Torts: "Brad Richards is a hell of a hockey player. He's an elite centerman in this league. So no."
Pat Leonard: "Do you think after scratching Brad in two elimination games that you can coach him next year?"
Torts: "Do you think you think you can coach him next year, Pat? Do you? Do you?!"
Pat Leonard: "What?"
Torts: "What what? Don't ask dumb questions"
Pat Leonard: "Will you answer it?"
Torts: "No. Next."
*a head pops up at the very back of the scrum*
James Duthie: "Hey Torts! Do you think the reason the Rangers lost was a) You were outcoached, b) The Bruins are a better, deeper hockey team, or c) You really missed the Quiz and wanted to be back on Canada's favourite game show."
Torts: "How do you keep getting in here? I'm not answering that question, it's stupid."
James Duthie: "Oh man, classic Torts! It's so nice to have you back!"
Torts: "I'm not back, I'm the coach of the New York Ran-"
Rangers PR: "That concludes this press conference as John has a pressing meeting with Slats."
Torts: "What the hell are you talking about? Meetings are tomorrow."
Rangers PR: "Um... those are team meetings, you know, for people still with the team."
James Duthie: "Oh man I'm so excited! We can do the TSN Hangover: Part Two! Would you be in for that Tortsy?"
Torts: "F*** off."