Breaking: Athlete refuses to speak to media after loss

USA TODAY Sports

Breaking News: Athlete announces he is refusing to speak to media "just because they seemed bored."

Earlier today, Sample NHL Goaltender Who Played A Shitty Game Last Night issued a press release announcing that he would not be taking questions from the media after today's team practice.

"People need something to talk about," he was quoted as saying. "So I am honoured to provide them the opportunity for generating unnecessary controversy by refusing to talk to members of the media for one day, even though I played extremely terribly."

His teammates, who were not refusing to take questions even though they played an equally miserable game the night before, just shrugged.

"I think he likes it when the reporters complain on Twitter," said the Captain I Know We Should Be Ashamed Of How We Played. "It really endears them to their readers, and he's happy to oblige."

Assistant Captain Defensive Gaffe City grinned.

"Goalie's favourite part is when other reporters start smugly and passive-aggressively pointing out that they have no complaints about whether or not he talks to media," he said. "Or when they say they can write their stories without a canned quote or two."

"He's fine, by the way," Assistant Captain added. "He's probably very pleased with himself."

The press release appeared to confirm this, as it stated that Goalie was looking forward to reading the debates about whether or not he was a good leader in the room, and ended with the word "trollololololol."

When asked for comment, all sports fans in existence rolled their eyes.

"This is not a thing," they said.


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