Anti-GM Race: The Search for the Worst Candidate

There have been copious articles written about who should be the Canadiens next General Manager. We’ve all heard the names: Brisebois, Bergevin, Giguere, Brisson, Roy, McGuire, Mackasey, Robitaille, Hextall, Tallon, Dudley, Loiselle, Ferguson Jr.

Wait, Ferguson Jr? Yes, the guy who managed to set the Toronto Maple Leafs so far back that even four years following his departure they still have yet to make the playoffs, has been mentioned numerous times as a candidate for the role. Don’t believe me? Sportsnet, Winnipeg Free Press, Hockey’s Future.

And I’m sure there have been more.

So JFJ’s father played for the Canadiens. Whoop-dee-doo! My former elementary school gym teacher was Toe Blake’s son, but he probably couldn’t name ten guys on the current team. Inspired by the lunacy of some in the media, I’ve decided to compile a list of the worst possible candidates for this position, and to project exactly how things would go down should the worst happen and one of them be given the position.

Mike Milbury

Notable Past Move: Traded Olli Jokinen and Roberto Luongo for Mark Parrish and Oleg Kvasha, and so many more…

Projected First Canadiens Move: Trading Tomas Plekanec and Carey Price for the modern day equivalents of Parrish and Kvasha, Brendan Morrison and Rostislav Olesz. Why these two? They're overpaid (Olesz), they suck (both), and Chicago needs a goalie.

Will inevitably get fired when: He mistakes Brendan Gallagher for a 12-year old boy and this time gets caught.

John Ferguson Jr.

Notable Past Move: Traded Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft.

Projected First Canadiens Move: Signing/Trading for a past his prime constantly injured veteran as a core player like Marc Savard, Pierre-Marc Bouchard, or Andrei Markov.

Will inevitably be fired when: I wake up and realize this is just a bad dream, like come on; he’s Milbury without the entertainment!

Glen Sather

Notable Past Move: Signing Scott Gomez and Chris Drury to long-term deals worth a total of $86.75 million.

Projected First Canadiens Move: Signing Semin, Smyth, Huet, Brodeur, Rolston, Rozsival, Huselius, Langkow, Penner, Boyes, Blake, Wideman, and Avery to long-term deals. Then trading them all to inevitable future Leafs GM Bob Gainey for Kadri, Colborne, Percy, Frattin, and Gardiner. Gainey figures he had might as well start six new 5-year plans at once.

Will inevitably be fired when: The Habs realize he’s actually done a decent job for the Rangers the last few years, and therefore no longer qualifies for this list.

Craig Button

Notable Past Move: Releasing Martin St. Louis. Oh well, he was probably too small anyways.

Projected First Canadiens Move: Selecting Filip Forsberg third overall. Button had been convinced that Forsberg was a centre, but his mistake was pointed out, so he’ll draft Forsberg to play goalie.

Will inevitably be fired when: Trades up in the third round to select Alex Galchenyuk as his franchise “high-end third-line centre” before Burke laughs in his face having taken him 5th overall.

Pierre Gauthier

Too soon? Okay nevermind.

Peter Budaj

Notable Past Move: None, but Garth Snow’s been awful and it’s pretty much the same situation.

Projected First Canadiens Move: Signing Carey Price to a 15-year contract, but only after reaching out to Markov’s doctor to promise Price will be okay to start next season.

Will inevitably be fired when: If Molson is anything like Charles Wang, he never will. Likely, he will wait until the Habs move to Las Vegas to make any moves resembling a contender ever.

Luckily, none of these candidates – to our knowledge – have been contacted about the job. If they have, Habs fans should brace themselves for another decade without the Cup. Well, at least now we’ll know what to expect!

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